Traces and Storms

ix

   "Myungsoo told me you rarely pay attention to him nowadays."

I drew imaginary circles with my right foot against the hospital's pristine floor. It was my first time meeting Sungyeol's father, and it felt strange, seeing someone who was terminally ill up close. His father's skin clung to his fragile bones, and his complexion grew several shades darker—one side effect of the chemotherapy. I couldn't help but feel sorry, even when his father smiled. When Sungyeol's mother arrived, we stepped out of the ward, only to stay in the lobby with a can of coconut juice each.

"He's just saying that," I said. "It doesn't even matter now."

"I told you before, haven't I?" he replied. "The both of you get along well. You understand Myungsoo."

"How can you say that so confidently?" I chugged my juice down, before tossing the can into the bin. "I can't even understand him, no matter how hard I try."

"Maybe you aren't aware of it just yet. Though I would believe what Myungsoo's saying. You decided to visit alone, instead of tagging along yesterday."

"I was busy at that time," I defended.

"Busy my butt," Sungyeol scoffed. "But really, what happened?"

I shrugged, then, not really knowing how to begin. If I told him I got upset because Myungsoo called me by another name, would it sound shallow? In the first place, I had no right to be upset. I was merely a trespasser in Myungsoo's world.

I bit my lower lip, and said, "I didn't know Myungsoo drinks."

He chuckled. "He's got the face of an angel, after all."

Scoffing at his remark, I returned, "Angel my butt."

"Is that why you're upset?" he asked. "Because you saw him drink?"

"No," I shook my head. "I think it's what he said afterwards."

"What did he say?"

"Actually, it's not that," I looked away, hoping I would be able to escape from Sungyeol's steady gaze. "I think it's the way I took it in. I think I'm the one with the problem here."

"Did he say something that offended you?"

"No," I sighed, and began, "But I finally figured out the name of his storm."

A long pause, followed by, "I see."

"I know I shouldn't even feel this way," I blurted out. "And I've no reason to be upset, but it hurts here."

I tapped my chest twice.

"You should stop invalidating your feelings," Sungyeol said. "That's how you feel, and it's okay."

"What I don't understand is, I find her name toxic. I've never even met her, but I've started associating Myungsoo's sadness with her. It's unfair. I shouldn't even think this way."

"But you do," Sungyeol finished off.

I could only laugh it out in sheer disbelief. "I hate this."

"You really do care about Myungsoo," Sungyeol finished off, as if it was the most natural thing in the world: for a certain Bae Suji who went through a recent breakup, to focus on a certain Kim Myungsoo who's in love with someone else.

"I don't know," I admitted. "But it's nice talking to you. Thank you for listening, Sungyeol. Especially now. I know there's a lot of things going on in your life, and I even imposed these things on you."

He laughed. "You're all right, Suji. It's the least I could do. Was Myungsoo smashed?"

"He seemed like it. I mean, who wouldn't? I think he finished a bottle of Smirnoff by himself."