After our last hugs, she handed me a letter before I left and that got me through all the painful nights and days until I got past the pain of being broken and uprooted.
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I drank occasionally but that would never really solve anything so to bury the pain, I studied harder and put in as many hours as I could in the laboratory. I also dated to see if I could get back to that scene again, there were a few interesting people but they never stick. We just ended up being friends or acquaintances. The women I went out with would always tell me that half of me is somewhere finding its way back. I guess they were all right and I was so apologetic on that part and thankfully, they never asked why. I guess they too understood me, which I was grateful for.
I made good friends here too. It was challenging at first due some barriers but eventually I found a good circle of friends that helped me enjoy my life here.
I would take weekend trips with them to throw in some normalcy and explore what this new country can offer. I never came home during breaks, holidays, or any special occasions. I could never. I only sent messages to my parents and did not stay long on the phone with them. It just made me miss them more.
One time my Mom and Dad couldn’t take it anymore and decided to visit me after a year and a half to see how I was truly doing. I was against the idea but who can blame our parents for wanting to see their child as often as they could right?
“You didn’t have to come visit me. I’ll be done here pretty soon and I am doing okay, better.” I told my parents when I picked them up at the airport.
“That is nonsense! We miss you and we wanted to see how you were doing. You tell us you are okay and all but look at you! You look like you lost weight, not eating properly, and have you been sleeping right? Those dark circles and eyebags betray you.” My mother started scolding me.
“I look better now than a few months back, Mom.”
“If you can call this better then I don’t know what state you were in a few months back, Sean!”
My father kept his silence. He knows that my mother is never going to end this conversation until she’s satisfied.
“Mom, I am better. I promise, I truly am. My grades never suffered too, so don’t worry about me too much. It’s just that there’s so much to do at school and the lab. You know how it can get hectic.” I assured her because she’s looking all concerned.
We can never really take that away from our parents, the worry for their children. Even if we get older and get busy with our own lives, we are still the precious babies in their eyes. I missed them, I admit. So much.
“Yeah, we know that no matter what, you never let your grades suffer but you… your health is. Looking at you all skinny and lacking sleep!”
“I’m sleeping better, don’t worry. I get to bike around here for exercise and I do that everyday. And yes, I miss you both so much too.” I gave her my sweetest smile, kissed her forehead then hugged her to calm her down.
I was lacking sleep and got a little skinnier than usual because I put more hours in at the research laboratory on top of learning the language. I studied harder than I have ever done the first year that I was here because I wanted to get this over as soon as I could. But I challenged the idea because I realized that I’m not doing myself a favor and I am not fulfilling what the special person in my life wished for me. I had to slow down and stop giving myself a hard time because she will never approve and be happy about it.
Yes, call me crazy, but I still hold on to that hope that I will get Jamie back and she will have me back. I just need to grow like what she said.
She is my beacon of light.
Even if she would disagree at times, she will always be part of the reasons why I do things. I consider myself in the equation these days now. I guess that’s what she wanted. We will be equal parts, most of the time if we can help it, in the reasons we do things.
