Disconnected ; Lashton

34. The Leaving Song

I feel myself being shaken awake and open my eyes to squint up at whoever's interrupting my slumber- oh, it's just Ashton. I smile when I see his pale face and messy hair, obviously still tired and probably uncomfortable due to the longest flight ever. The both of us were asleep for a good chunk of it, but when we weren't, time seemed to drag on. I felt like I'd never escape the hellish loop of cramped seats and the kid a row in front of us who kept staring into our souls.

Ash helps me up out of my seat and I try to stretch but I'm too tall for it, so it'll have to wait until we leave the plane completely. Mikey hands me my overhead bag and once all four of us are situated, Ashton leads us off of the plane.

We get to the point of retrieving our luggage eventually when a man in a black suit approaches us. He makes me nervous at first, but then I realize why he's here. For us, obviously. We follow him as told and I hear Ashton gasp at my side once we make it to the top of the escalator that leads to the bottom floor of the airport. I peek around him to see what he's gasping at, and I see them at the same time they see me. Then they start screaming.

Fans- I would assume. A crowd of them, not huge, but of a fair size. And they knew we'd be here? I narrow my eyes at Michael and see him trying to hide a smile, Yep, I knew this could only be his fault. He has a seriously hard time keeping things on lock sometimes.

The man in the black suit, our assigned bodyguard now- and wow, that is the weirdest thing I've ever thought in my entire life- walks with drive ahead of us, not planning on letting us be touched. The crowd, all girls from what I can see, gets louder as we have to walk past them. They try to reach out to us but airport security is keeping them at a distance.

"Hey, dude? Can we just slow down real quick?" Michael asks our bodyguard, whose name I still haven't learned.

"Modest is waiting on you." He replies in a stern, deep voice. Mikey rolls his eyes and stops walking, looking back at the fans. Our fans. I do too, it's incredible. All of these people came here just to see us. Just to catch a glimpse of us. It's truly baffling.

"They can wait, like, another twenty minutes. Imagine how long these guys have been waiting! We should at least say hi." He argues. The bodyguard only gives a curt nod in response and stands in front of the wall of fans so he can stop them if anyone tries to... well, what would they do? Not much, probably. Hug me to death, perhaps?

I see a few girls eyes fill with tears as we walk closer to them. It makes me feel a little bad, I don't want to make anyone cry. I pull at my lip ring with my teeth anxiously and my heart races in my chest. I've met fans before, but only a few select times- and never anything like this. I smile at the girl directly in front of me and her already present smile grows wider, which warms my heart.

"Hi, oh my god, I'm such a big fan! I love your band!" She squeals. I nod my head and step on my foot, feeling extremely awkward since I have no idea what to do. She fumbles with her phone in her hand and I realize she most likely wants a photo. I feel like an idiot for not considering it, but you can't really blame me. This isn't something that's very easy to get used to, I still can't imagine why anyone would want to take a photo with me. I don't feel like a celebrity at all, but I guess I'm getting there.

The four of us go through taking photos with everyone we can get to and I feel my stomach clench in jealousy and guilt as I watch my three best friends talk to the people who are making our dreams come true. They thank them, tell them they love them, laugh with them, and I'm just completely silent. It's frustrating, so fucking frustrating. I'm supposed to be changing. I'm supposed to be making my life better and taking my therapist's advice but I can't when I really do feel like the most worthless person on earth. Someone who can't even say a simple thanks to the people who love their music, and them? What good are they? That's all that goes through my head right now and I want it out. I want to be happy, I want to be fine. I need to be normal first.
But I'm not normal. I'm supposed to be accepting that. It's not going to change. But if it can't, then how can I ever be happy? If I can't be happy with myself, what do I do? I stare out over the heads of the crowd around us and our bodyguard is looking just about ready to escort us out of here when I feel a tug on my sleeve, and it's not from Ashton. I look to see who it is and meet the eyes of a girl who hasn't spoken to me yet. I give her a smile that must not meet my eyes.