Disconnected ; Lashton

11. Too Many People

I've been waiting for Friday all week, and now it's finally here. Today is the day that Michael tries to convince me to sing in the band. Honestly, part of me wants to do it, but I really don't know if I can. I know I sung in music class, but that was for Ashton, and with Ashton alone. Obviously our band isn't famous or anything- quite the opposite- but Michael talks about booking gigs eventually all the time. I don't know if I want that kind of spotlight on me.

The kids in music class watched us sing because they had to, but if we booked a gig somewhere then people would be watching me because they want to. The pressure is completely different, and so much worse.

I'm sitting in my second to last period waiting for the bell to ring as I stare lazily out the window. It's nearly the middle of September now and spring is in full effect. October is quickly approaching and it will bring a lot of rain with it. Rain has always been my favorite weather so unlike many, I'm looking forward to it. I wonder what Ashton thinks of the rain. He seems to find joy in everything so I have a feeling he'll like it to some degree. Maybe he loves the rain just as much as I do. Does he like to step in puddles and get his pants all wet? Or does he stay underneath an umbrella and watch from afar? I hope I'll get to experience every season of Ashton. I want to see him in rain or shine, hot or cold. I bet he's breathtaking every way.

I'm stuck in my daydreams of Ashton under falling leaves when I hear the bell ring and everyone gets up from their seats around me. I follow their lead and saunter into the hallway, preparing to head to my next class, but something isn't right. No one is going the way they should be going, or at least that's how it seems. Every single person in the hall is headed in the same direction, where are they all going? I have no idea whats going on, but I don't want to look out of place so I head in the same direction. I already stick out in a crowd to begin with and I feel itchy all over wondering if people are looking at me. Do they know that I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going?

As I proceed further down the hallway with the rest of the school, my anxiety only grows. What am I doing? Why am I even doing this? Can't I just turn back around and leave? I have a feeling I should be going where everyone else is going, but what if I just don't want to? What's the worst that could happen if I don't go? Detention, maybe. What kind of people are in detention? I've never been there before so I wouldn't know. Well, I guess it's full of people like Michael since he's in there at least twice a week. That wouldn't be terrible, but if I show up to detention for the first time and no one has ever seen me in there before, then their eyes will be on me. I don't know if I can deal with that. I can't seem to deal with anything.

Before I get the chance to decide whether or not I want to slip outside to get away from this gigantic crowd of people leading me god knows where, I've already gone too far. I was so focused on figuring out if I should leave that I just kept walking, and now its definitely too late. But, at least now I know what's going on. A big painted banner hanging across the gym wall screams it right in my face- I've wandered into a goddamn pep rally. At my last school, attending pep rallies wasn't mandatory, but I'm here during a class period, so if I leave does it count as skipping? I've never skipped a class before so I don't know what kind of trouble it gets you into.
I stand around and step on my foot again, the poor thing, then start scratching my wrist. If I keep doing that, though, I'm sure to break some of the scabbing and I don't think getting a bloodstain on my gray sweater around the wrist only would be a very good look. I stop myself from scratching and hurry to stand in a corner by the bleachers.

Theres too many people. So many of them, so many of them in bright neon colors. They hurt my eyes and make me dizzy. So many different pairs of shoes slapping the shiny gym floor and the sound is almost deafening. People are yelling and its bouncing off the walls. There's cheerleaders, then the marching band assembles next to them- oh no, they're going to play arent they? I dont think I can handle that- there's too many noises. Can these people see me standing in the corner here, starting to panic? Can they see how scared I am? Can they see that I don't belong? Will they ridicule me?