Disconnected ; Lashton

12. No One Knows

When I mentioned to my mum that I would not only be playing guitar in 5sos, but also singing, she was definitely surprised. She asked me how I was comfortable enough to sing in front of people, I told her the truth.

Ashton, that's how. After that, she pleaded with me to invite him over already so she could meet him. That's why I'm now pacing back in forth in my room nervously. We've already established some ground rules.

Obviously, no showing of any baby pictures or anything like that. If Ashton saw those, it would be more than the regular amount of embarrassing, it would also be outing me. I think maybe I'll tell him about it one day, but today is not going to be that day. That day will probably be far, far away. Maybe even never, who knows?

My mum has also agreed to not bring up dad. I don't think she would've anyway, but I can't handle that. Ashton can know I don't have a dad but he can't know about the divorce. I just can't go through that again. I'm still hyper-aware that all of that is my fault and that I'm always going to be the one to blame for being my stupid self but Ashton doesn't have to know that. The memory of it is still so strong, still sickens me to my core when I think about it. I still have nightmares about it and I'm still tearing myself to shreds over it when no ones looking. My skin holds some of the consequence but I know it'll never be enough.

I go to rip some of the skin off of my thumb with my teeth but stop myself. I can't bleed right now. Ashton's coming over. Save that shit for later. My mum doesn't need to see it either, I'll spare them both. I don't mind the sight of my own torn-up fingers but other people probably do.

I end my pacing to step on my foot but that ends sooner than expected when I hear Ashtons car pulling up outside. Usually if I heard his car I'd be rushing downstairs to climb in, but right now I will be doing neither of those things. For once I don't want to leave my room to go greet him but I know I have to. If I don't, my mum will just come and get me anyway. So with a shaky breath, I head downstairs.

Ashton knocks on the door and my mum motions at me to answer it. There is excitement written all over her face in big bold text. I've never brought a friend over before, so this is almost as big for her as it is for me. The way she's acting makes me feel like maybe it is bigger for her after all.
I open the front door with a trembling hand and smile as soon as I see Ashtons adorable face.

"Come in, come in!" My mum exclaims as she moves to stand next to me. Ashton smiles at her as soon as he sees her and steps through the doorway.

"Hello, it's nice to meet you!" He says ever so politely, reaching his hand out for a handshake. I half expect my mum to do the same thing that Michaels mum did to me when I met her and pull him in for a hug instead but thankfully she has better understanding of boundaries. She instead takes Ashtons hand in both of hers and shakes it vigorously. The rest of his arm shakes a little with it.

"You are so cute! I'm so happy to finally meet you, I've been bugging Luke about it all the time! He always writes about you to me, honestly it's all I can get out of him these days-" I clear my throat in annoyance to tell my mum to shut up but she just laughs.

"Oops, sorry. I'm just so excited, you know?"

"It's fine! I'm excited too, I really like Luke so I'm happy to finally meet you." Ashton replies. My mum makes a pretend-shocked face at me.

"You weren't lying when you told me how polite he is! Well, dear, my home is your home, feel free to make yourself comfortable! Can I get some snacks for you two?" Ashton looks to me and I use my hands to pretend to open a soda can, my mum gets the point.

"All we have for soda right now is Dr. Pepper, are you okay with that Ashton?" She asks sweetly.

"Yes, that's perfect." He says with a smile.