Disconnected ; Lashton

10. She Sings in the Morning

It's four in the morning. I should be asleep right now but I've been up all night, my mind racing. I'm too anxious to rest, and I'm supposed to be waking up in a few hours.

Today is the day that Ashton and I perform. I'm a little nervous that I'll be playing in front of people who aren't Ashton, Michael, Calum, or my mum, but that's only a small part of it.

I know I'm freaking out for no reason because I don't even have to go through with this, but I want to do more than just play guitar whilst Ashton sings beside me. I want to join him. I want to sing with him. I want to sing our song together.

I can talk to Ashton, is singing that much of a big deal compared to it? Sure, whenever I talk to Ashton we're all alone, but I can still do it. I know I'm capable of singing in front of him too. If it's with Ashton, I can do it. I know I can. I can't talk in front of other people, but singing is a whole lot different than speaking. Singing a song is way easier than using your words, and if I'm singing, no one can refuse to hear me. Whether they listen to the words I'm singing or not, they'll hear my voice one way or another. I can't fall on deaf ears forever.

The problem is, though... what if Ashton doesn't like my singing voice? I mean, what if he hates it? What if I can't sing at all? What if my voice cracks, what if I'm terrible? Surely he wouldn't make fun of me, but... the thought of seeing his face drop when my voice comes out is enough to make me sick.

All of this back and forth in my head, trying to convince myself to sing but then imagining all of the worst possible outcomes- I hate it! It isn't fucking normal. When I thought for the first time that maybe I was getting closer to being normal, this happens. Normal people don't lose sleep because they're afraid of what their friend will think of their singing abilities. Ashton being my crush on top of that certainly doesn't make it any easier. And I know it isn't as simple as whether or not I can sing, it's so much more than that but- fuck! Why do I have to be like this? Why can't I be more like Ashton?

He never worries about anything, he's probably dreaming the happiest dreams imaginable right now. I bet there are puppies and Meerkats, he likes Meerkats a lot. I must be smiling like an idiot thinking about what Ashton dreams of. Does he ever dream about Michael and Calum, has he ever dreamt about me? Admittedly, I've had a few dreams about him, they were very pleasant compared to the majority of my other dreams, or I guess they would be nightmares. Does Ashton have nightmares? Surely he's had them before, everyone has, but I really hope he doesn't experience them nearly as often as I do.

Ash and I both know we're gay- but he's still in the dark about something. That's another thing that worries me. But, if Ashton is gay, then he wouldn't be transphobic, would he? At least, I really hope not. Anyone can be transphobic at the end of the day, doesn't matter who you are. But Ashton's different. I think. The chance of him being transphobic seems low, but it's still there, and it scares me. I truly believe he isn't like that. He's accepting and caring by nature, I don't think he could hate anyone for something they can't change. So if he knew, would he still see me as a boy? Honestly, it's hard for me to see myself as a boy sometimes, so I'm not completely sure.

God, it scares me. But I want to take the chance. If I spend my entire life hiding crucial parts of me, including my voice, away from people because I'm afraid of what they'll think, then I'll never get anywhere. You have to take risks. You have to learn to trust. Trusting people makes it that much easier to get hurt, but if you never trust anyone, you'll never connect. I want to connect with people, truly and completely. People like Ashton, Michael, and Calum. I have to put pieces of myself out there and hope they won't get broken. I have to put trust in the people I want to love, trust that they will keep those pieces of me safe and sound whilst I do the same for them.