Disconnected ; Lashton

14. Dammit

It's Saturday which means band practice at Michael's house. It also means sitting around a lot and fighting Michael over the last slice of pizza, but he always wins.

Even with band practice quickly approaching, I can't get yesterday out of my mind. Everything Ashton said keeps playing over and over in my brain like a movie. I still don't really know how to feel about all of it. I'm sort of happy that Ashton knows about me now, and even happier that he still likes me despite it. But I'm not happy, not fully. Someone like Ashton shouldn't pick someone like me. It's not like he's my boyfriend, but why me of all people? He doesn't know how fucked up I really am. How am I supposed to give him the kind of care he gives to me, when I can't even care for myself?

Well, I don't plan on ever hurting him in the same ways that I hurt myself. I don't know if I could live with myself if I ever hurt him like that. Have I already done damage to him? What if he's in pain because of me and he just wont show it? I hurt everyone I cross, who is to say I wont do the same to him?

I dont want to, obviously. I dont want to be a monster. I dont want to be this freak that I am, but I dont know how not to be. Ever since the day I was born, I've always been different. Lower than everyone else, pushed aside, outcasted. Disconnected from the outside world. Now that I've made some sort of connection with people, what do I do? How do I keep them without hurting them? Hurting people isn't something I do on purpose, so how can I avoid it?

The only way I can think of is to shut everyone out so I can't be close enough to do any harm, but wouldn't that hurt too? Ashton actually does like me, whether he should or not. I'm his best friend and... maybe a little more than that somewhere along the way. I can't just up and leave. I can't just suddenly stop talking to him, same with Michael and Calum. I'm a 'crucial member' of their band, too, as Michael puts it. So I guess that approach is out of the question.

If I keep them at arms length, I could still remain friends with all of them without hurting them... hopefully.
But, how in the hell am I supposed to keep Ashton at an arms length distance when we're constantly in each others arms? I don't exactly want to tell him he can't hold me anymore. Plus, I already fucked up and told him that I like him back. We're far too close, I dont think there's any turning back now. He knows my voice, my words, all of my thoughts- almost all of them. He isn't aware of the thoughts that bury themselves under the skin of my arms, not at all. That's one way in which we're still disconnected.

So maybe I can't keep him at arms length, but there's one thing I have left; one strategy. If I hurt myself enough, maybe I won't end up hurting him. If I keep all of my pain to myself with my itching bleeding secret kept away from the light of day, then maybe none of that pain will escape me and touch any of them. I'm tainted, and none of them need to know. If I'm too busy hurting myself, surely I can't hurt someone else.

I did it last night. The cold porcelain of the bathtub was hard but somehow comforting against the ridges of my spine as I got to work. Bathrooms echo, so I was surprised that the loud thumping of my heart wasn't deafening. If I go back to that back bruising, scorching hot, heart thumping activity every single night then I can keep the pain all to myself. No one has to hurt, only myself and myself alone. Not my mum, not Mikey and Cal, and for the love of god, not ever Ashton. Just me, and I'm okay with that.

I hear Ashton's car pull up outside so I rush out of bed and hurry to slip some clothes on. I've been awake for an hour or so, but I kept laying under my covers not wanting to get up, so now I have to rush to get ready. I'm nearly finished brushing my teeth when I hear Ashton knock on the door downstairs. I'm home alone, so only I can answer. I look at myself in the mirror and all I can remember is the blood from when I punched through the previous one. Today is another day that the mirror is my enemy. I suppose I should get used to it since it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I stare into the purple flesh under my eyes and rip my gaze away to go downstairs. I grab a beanie before I go and try to erase the tension on my face. I don't have to try very hard once I see Ashton, though. His smile truly is the most contagious one I've ever seen. Even the most depressed person in the world wouldn't be able to hold back a smile if they met Ashton. That's just how he is, and it's one of the many things I like about him. He's always so happy, happy, happy. Consistently optimistic and I take all of it in with covetous eyes. But even so, I can hold no resentment for him. My heart is much too full of how fond I am of him.