Better Off Friends | Joshifer

30 - Not Over You

Not Over You

The six of us are enjoying the heat of the hot tub. It's a pretty big one with lots of space around, but I stay in a corner.

The five of them are minding their own business, and I don't want to talk anyway. I think it's already midnight, and the day has been great.

I take a deep breath, and relax, closing my eyes. I try to keep my mind blank, to not think of anything.

I feel the water shift on my side, making me open my eyes again.

"Feeling great?" Josh asks as he sits beside me.

"Of course." I sit up and look at him. "This week couldn't be more perfect."

I watch as Josh's parents leave the tub, and head towards the cabin. Connor and Carla walks to us.

"Hey, you're quiet. I'm not used to it." Connor smiles at me, holding a bottle of tequila their parents brought along. "Wanna warm up?"

"Yes, please." I snatch the bottle from him and he hands me a shot glass. I take a shot and feel the burning sensation in my throat. It immediately warms me up and gives a kick to my senses.

"You know, Josh talks a lot about you." Connor says. I see Josh give him a glare, but he just shrugs it off.

"Really?" I smile, although I'm not that surprised, because I do that too.

"Really. When we call all I can hear is 'Jen is so down to earth. Jen is wonderful. Jen is super sweet and drop dead gorgeous. Jen, Jen, Jen blah blah blah.'" He imitates Josh's voice, and I can't help but laugh.

"I did not say she's sweet." Josh says. "That's impossible."

"But still, I'm drop dead gorgeous." I mock him, doing that in a 'seductive' voice.

"I bet you two would make a cute couple." Carla says then takes a shot.

"We already tried that. Didn't work." They gave me a confused look. I realized I slipped. I see Josh sigh.

"What?" Connor has his eyebrow raised. "You were together and you didn't tell me."

His statement was pointed to Josh more than me.

"Sorry." Josh says.

"So, why did you break up?" Carla asks.

"He proposed." I say, not wanting to look at Josh right now. It just brought back a lot of memories that I certainly didn't want to go back to anymore.

"What!?" Connor asks louder this time. "That is so stupid. Why did you do that?"

"I just wanted to make sure that Jen can't be in the hands of another guy. It's not like we'll get married so soon. I can wait, until she's ready. Then I realized that it was a stupid mistake afterwards. I hated myself."

I grabbed the tequila and drank from the bottle. Everybody was silent for a while.

"You didn't need to do that. I thought you knew that you don't need to put a ring on me to secure me for the rest of our lives. It's not like I'll cheat on you. I hope you trusted me a little more." I can feel my eyes tearing up. I don't want to cry. Not here. Not now.

"That's why it was a mistake. I was afraid, Jen. There were a lot of better guys than me. And you were the most wonderful girl. I was afraid I'll lose you." He choked on the last line. The wind was very cold as it whipped past my face.

"I wouldn't let you go. I wouldn't leave you for another. You were the greatest guy that I ever knew. I wished you thought of that. I wished you knew I loved you."

I just realized how much it hurts to say love in the past tense. Loved. You used to. But not anymore. Or maybe you meant it in another way now.

I feel a tear slide to my cheeks, and I immediately wipe it off. It was obvious, I know but I can't help it.

There was another pause. Nobody said a word, and it's like everyone was holding their breaths. It was a long time before someone broke the silence.

"I think we should head up now." Connor says. He stands up, hand in hand with Carla and wraps themselves in towels.

I know it's a bad idea to stay here alone with Josh, so I follow. As soon as my body leaves the hot tub, the winter cold hits me and I fumble quickly for my towel.

I can't control my shivering, and I rub my arms up and down, trying to get warmer. I see Josh leave the tub, like he wasn't affected with the cold.

All of us head to the cabin. They let me take a shower first, when they saw me shivering uncontrollably.

When I finished, I dressed myself in very warm clothes and laid on the bed. Josh and I will share, because there's only two beds in the room. One for Connor and Carla, one for us.

I face the wall and wrap a blanket on my body. The light in the room is still open, because they're still taking a shower.

I close my eyes and try to sleep, but I find out that I can't. My eyes are heavy, but my mind is still wide awake. I want to chug the whole bottle of tequila just to knock myself out, but we left it beside the tub.

Time passes and someone turned off the lights. I feel the bed shift, and I know Josh is beside me now. It feels awkward and weird, I try to ignore those feelings, but I fail.

I turn my head and I catch him looking at me. I quickly turn my head back, and feel my cheeks warm up. I close my eyes once again, and try not to think about anything. I just want to sleep and forget everything.

"I loved you too, Jen." I hear him whisper. "So much."

Everything fell silent when I heard him. My eyes teared up, and before I knew it, I'm shaking because of crying too much. My face was wet from tears, and I tried not to make sounds, but little chokes and sniffs escaped from me.

I hope he doesn't hear me. I hope he doesn't hear how much it hurts to be able to open up. How it hurts to hear his words, his reasons. I thought everything was put behind in the past. That those memories won't come back haunting me.

I thought I was over him. Turns out I'm not.

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Is this update short? Cause I feel like it is. Anyways, I hope you like this chapter though! Feel free to leave a vote or feedback. :)

I recommend listening to 'Not Over You' by Gavin DeGraw. It pretty much inspired this chapter.

Thank you for reading!