Above the Sea of Fog (Provincia de Marina Series #3)

Kabanata 31

Kabanata 31

Above the Sea of Fog

Later that night, I received a text from Wyatt asking for my home address. Hindi naman ako nagpatumpik-tumpik pa at agad din namang binigay sa kaniya iyon. The chat was short and formal, like the business type transaction you always get from a business owner. Hindi naman ako umaasa na may patutunguhan itong pagkikita namin ulit. Kinakain ako ng konsensya ko sa tuwing nakikita si Wyatt at wala man lang siyang kaalam-alam na magkamag-anak kami.

The fires of hell felt like it was eating me alive as I go on with my day, not even telling him that I was sorry for leaving him. It must have angered him that I was acting like we never even happened in the past.

Alam kong sinabi ko ng hindi ko kailanman ibubunyag ang nalalaman pero hanggang kailan ko ba ito dadalhin? Hanggang sa hukay ba ay kailangang walang kasagutan ang lahat?

On Christmas Eve, I promised to tell him everything. Ito na rin siguro ang hinihintay kong hudyat para tigilan na ang kahibangan at ibigay na rin ang payapang gusto sa sarili. Kung anuman ang naiwan ko sa Pilipinas, kailangan ko ng panagutan iyon ngayon. I should tell Wyatt the truth because he deserves to know everything. I want to be free from the weight of my conscience. Hindi naman ako umaasa na mapapatawad niya agad but at least, I told him. It was now up to him if he accepts the truth or not. Kung pagbibintangan niya akong nagsisinungaling ay tatanggapin ko. I can accept his anger.  Hindi biro 'yong sakit na mararamdaman kapag iniwan ka ng taong mahal mo. I was hurt and in pain when I left Wyatt, kaya kumpara sa aking nararamdaman, ano pa kaya ang sa kaniya? Siya na iniwan ko. Siya na hindi ko binigyan nang kahit anong paliwanag.

I stared at the mirror in front of me. Ilang taon ko ng kilala ang aking mukha at ni isang bakas ng imahe ni Mama ay hindi ko man lang nakita roon. I looked foreign. Ang aking matangos na ilong ay kakaiba kumpara sa mga kapatid ko. They got our mother's nose and I was sure as hell that I would've inherited it, too. Kahit ang aking mga mata ay hindi ko man lang namana sa kaniya. My hair was in a shade of light brown and my complexion was far different from my siblings. Kahit ilang taon akong magtrabaho sa ilalim ng mainit na araw, hindi nagbabago ang kulay ng aking balat. I had freckles on my face, they were lighter compared to some of my foreign friends. They were almost invisibly inked to my skin.

I turned my head a bit sideways. I scanned the angle of my jaw and length of my neck. Kahit sa pagtagilid ko, ibang tao ang nakikita ko. It was the face of someone who had been through worst in life. The face of someone who longed for her beloved but fate has its own path for the other. This was the face of someone who had longed for peace in her heart but as long as the truth's hidden, there will be a never-ending chaos.

May humawak sa aking balikat kaya naman nalipat ang aking tingin sa aking likuran. Through the reflection in the mirror, I saw Jacinta smiled at me. Her gentle squeeze made me relaxed a bit. She already done with her make up.

"Nervous?" she asked sheepishly.

"No. I'm ecstatic." I replied with a cheeky smile.

Tinulungan niya ako sa aking make-up. The program was already starting and we were third on the program to sing. Jacinta and I would duet on the song "All I want for Christmas is You". On the duration of our rehearsals, we would vocalize together before and after we start. I guess, that's what you call bonding. I really liked it and I also liked that Jacinta was doing it with me. In fact, I never see her as a competition to the roles. Kung makuha man niya ang main, that's because the casting director saw something in her that they didn't see in me. May mga bagay naman na hindi natin palaging nakukuha kahit gusto natin. There will be times that even if we tried so hard, if it wasn't meant for us, it won't be for us.