Disconnected ; Lashton

20. Stay Away From My Friends

"Alright, but be warned, Luke is even clumsier- no offense, Lukey." I shrug with a laugh, not taking offense to the comment since I know Ashton isn't trying to insult me. It still kind of upsets me, though. Clumsiness isn't exactly a desirable trait, is it?

"Oh not to worry, we got it covered. Right, Luke?" I smile at Anne's kindness and nod my head. Before Ashton exits the kitchen, I catch him wearing the fondest look on his face and it gives me butterflies.

I help Anne with the cooking which isn't too hard since it's just spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread, a fairly easy meal to make. She has light conversation with me which I do my best at replying to with my limited communication skills.

"As Ashton's mum I think it's my job to embarrass him just a little bit, you know? But listen, I'm dying to know. How was the date he took you on? He said it went well but how was it for you? Was he a gentleman? If he wasn't I'll ground him for the rest of his life, I promise." I laugh and vigorously shake my head no to plead for no grounding.

"He was a gentleman then?" I nod yes, answering her question.

"Good, I raised him right. He told me about the most recent date you guys went on, he couldn't stop smiling! He's always smiling when it comes to you." I smile warmly as I stare down into the pot of spaghetti that smells delicious. My heartbeat reaches my fingertips and my knees start to feel weak again- but that could be accompanied by the fact that I still have yet to eat anything today. The food is almost done, I just have to hold on a little longer.

"It seems you're the same. I'm glad the boys found you, they needed a fourth. Michael and Calum love Ashton but third wheeling all the time couldn't have been easy. I'm happy to see my son smiling so bright again." At first Anne's words just seem normal to me and make me smile, but then I process her last word. Again? Was he not smiling before? I try to focus on plating the spaghetti instead of overthinking myself to the point of no appetite but it's hard. I've thought about the possibility of Ashton being sad or struggling and the last thing I want is for that possibility to have any truth to it.

Again. She said again. But, isn't Ashton always smiling? I've seen him cry before, so of course I know he can be sad, that's obvious. But... someone saying he's smiling again means that he had to have been not smiling for a period of time long enough to where it was noticeable.

Maybe I'll ask him about it, check up on him. Hopefully it's just nothing and I interpreted Anne's words wrong, but I know that if I don't ask it'll eat me up inside. How are you even supposed to ask about something like that? Wait, what if I ask him and he asks me the same thing? If I'm okay? He'll ask me and I'll have to lie to him because I know I'm not but he can't know that. What if he does the exact same thing as me, though? What if he's not okay and he lies and says he is because he's the same as me?

That thought rolls out of my mind. There's just no way Ashton is the same as me. I'm a lot different from him. I've ruined peoples lives- and I ruin my own body on purpose. Ashton isn't a ruiner. He brings light with him everywhere he goes and I know that because I stare right into it when it's brightest, even if it hurts. If his light ever dims, I'm sure I'll be the first to see it since I'm always surrounded by it. If it gets dim, I'll fix it somehow. I know I've broken so many things right in half without touching them but maybe if I reach out with delicate hands, I can fix something. I'll need to, I'll have to, because there's no chance I'd ever let Ashton live with a broken light. He lets me hold him so close and my hand fits perfectly in his, so that's right where they will be if there ever comes a day where the light is dimmed.

"You're really good in the kitchen, Luke, thanks for helping me out tonight!" Anne praises me. I smile as we set the plated food at the dinner table and I take my seat.