Keeping Secrets

Now what?

PEYTON

"So, what happened last night?" Amanda finally asked when we were about an hour outside of Charlotte. She turned down the volume to the stereo, so I knew we were about to have the first real conversation of the day. I'd known the question would be coming sooner or later, and hoped for later.

We'd pretty much been quiet up till that point. Me, lost in my head, thinking about what happened with Beau, and going back to school, while she just drove on in silence.

Damn, I was a terrible friend. She might have had an awful night, and I hadn't even bothered to ask. I'd been so caught up in my own gloom that I didn't even know how her night ended, or how she got back to the hotel.

"Are you okay?" I asked instead of answering her question. Maybe I was deflecting a bit too.

"Yeah, why?" She shot me a sideway glance. "You're the one who disappeared. I'm assuming it was with Beau?"

I leaned my head back against the headrest and closed my eyes. "Yeah."

When she didn't say anything else I asked, "how did you know?"

"Your text said you were leaving and for me not to worry. The only other people that had left when I saw that, was Dane and Beau. I didn't think you'd go for Dane. And I would worry if you left with Dane or a stranger, so I assumed it was Beau."

"Yes," I agreed, impressed with her reasoning.

"So," she started again, her voice soft and genuine. "How are you?"

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

"I don't know." And that was the gods' honest truth. My feelings alternated between exhilaration and despair.

She glanced my way again. I couldn't see her eyes behind the large tortoise colored sunglasses she wore, but I pictured her studying me.

"He didn't hurt you, right?" She asked carefully.

"God no."

And in a weird way, I wondered if that would have been easier to deal with? Because if he'd hurt me, I'd know that was it. That things were over before they started. That there was never going to be an us. But being as it was, everything was up in the air.

It got quiet again, and I fought to keep myself from crying. It had been such an amazing time, and so completely overwhelming. I was glad that Beau was my first, and that I'd waited to sleep with someone that meant something to me. I just wanted it to have meant something to him, too.

Amanda reached her hand out and grabbed a hold of mine. She gave it a quick squeeze before she returned hers to the steering wheel. "I'm here for you, P. You know that, right?"

"Yeah..." I knew that. She was my best friend. The keeper of most of my secrets. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. They streamed down my cheeks as I ugly cried in the car.

Amanda waited patiently until I got myself somewhat together, then she asked, "You really do like him, don't you?"

I nodded as I used an old napkin I found in my bag to wipe my tears.

"I can tell that this was more than just fun hook up for you."

Maybe that was all it should have been, a hook up. But it hadn't felt that way. At least not to me.

"I just don't know how to feel about it. He's so amazing, but now, knowing he will be gone for months..." I choked and started to cry again.

It got quiet for a minute. I continued to wipe my face with the napkin until it fell apart.