TW: self depreciation!!!
I'm a fucking moron!
I am not going to pass.
I can't focus because of my damn adhd! And whenever I go to do my homework, and I ask for caffeine, my dad says "you don't need caffeine this late, you'll be up all night."
NO THE FUCK I WON'T!!! That's the whole point!!!
I have adhd!!! Caffeine slows my brain down enough that I can actually semi focus, and function like a normal human being!!! For the most part.
School is fucking impossible!!! Especially when everyone is getting in the way of my self medicating!!!
I can't focus.
My brain feels like it's running a million miles a minute.
I'm thinking of like 10 things at once, but can't focus on 1 of them.
GOD WHAT'S THE POINT OF ALL THIS?!
I'm not retaining any of this! I'm just trying to memorize the patterns, because if I do, I can run without thinking, and then I don't have to focus.
But it takes focus to memorize the patterns too!!!
I feel like my brain is screaming at me!
I'm stupid.
I'm dumb.
Imma fucking moron.
I'm falling further behind.
And my stupid fucking pride won't let me ask for help.
It's one thing to say I'm stupid to myself... but asking for help... admitting that I can't do this myself... feels like admitting failure...
I'll get bursts of spite that I can run on for a little while... but it never lasts long.
Sometimes I think about asking my mom for adhd meds... but that would be like admitting there's something wrong with me... besides, she'd say no anyway...
I can't do this... but I have to... I can't repeat any of my classes next year, because I can't take that kind of blow to my ego.
I don't know what to do...
I also never understand writen instructions. I don't know why they're so confusing.
I have to re read the sentence like 40 times, and still don't understand. I feel like I'm solving a riddle.
I'm really behind in like 3 classes, but I can't catch up because...
In biology, I don't understand the instructions, I can't focus, and I have 0 motivation.
In german, I need help... but god knows I'm not gonna ask. I can't do it.
In PE, it's online, so we have to do it at home... but I don't have anywhere to do it. There's literally nowhere to do it... and technically I could lie and say I did it... but I hate lying... I hate it so much.
I'm gonna fail...
YOU ARE READING
Dear Diary
Non-Fictionliterally just a diary that I'm posting. My life is boring so yeah... If you know me in real life... and you read this, I do not take responsibility for any hurt feelings. I will not use real names. this is literally going to be my diary so no ru...
