Dear Diary

Entry 29

Tw!!! Self Harm... in detail, identity issues, depersonalization, derealisation, suicidal thoughts!!!

If you are triggered by any of these things! DON'T READ!!!

About... I wanna say a month ago... I did something I now regret.

Okay so for starters, I already struggle with identity issues.

I feel like I'm not my own person, that I'm just a clone, and have no real place in this world.

I feel like I don't deserve to be alive because I'm just a copy of the people around me.

I feel like nothings real. Everything is just some fake virtual world created for someones sick pleasure... and I'm just a copy of the people in my life... so I have no real purpose... I'm a useless copy with no real role in this fake universe.

My character is a copyright strike waiting to happen.

I'm useless and just a waste of code...

I'm a disgusting copy who just gets in the way...

All of my interests are copied...

All of my personality traits are copied...

Sometimes I feel like I'm just watching my life through a screen. Like my consciousness was shoved into the back of my skull. Like something else is in control of my body.

So I'm not even there to live my life.

I have months missing from my life... I don't remember shit!!!

Anyway, back on track.

So I already struggle with identity issues... and then I overheard my sibling talking to my mom.

They were saying how I was basically just a copy and paste version of them...

Every hobby or faze they've had... I've also had a few months later...

They said I'm just their mini me, and that I was basically a clone...

All stuff that I've already been thinking for a while.

So basically my suicidal ass

(my sibling is also suicidal mind you)

Felt even more like shit than usual, and like I'm a waste of space, and not my own person....

So to the part I regret.

I tend to struggle with self harm... SO OF COURSE MY DUMB ASS DECIDES THAT CUTTING MYSELF IS THE BEST ANSWER!!!

So I carved the word copy into my arm...

It's mostly healed at this point but it's clearly a scar now, and I can't wear short sleeves anymore...

Basically my entire family has cut at some point.

(Again... I'm a copy... I'm not special...)

So lines aren't gonna get me questions... but a word definitely will...

I don't want to have to explain the fact that I had a bad enough mental breakdown, that I disconnected from myself enough to not even realize what I was doing until I almost bled out...

And now I have a scar that's extremely noticeable...

I genuinely had no clue what I was doing until my fingers were dripping with blood and I started to feel light headed from blood loss...

I did my best to clean and bandage it but it's a massive scar across my arm that isn't going to go away anytime soon...

I don't know what to do about it… I've never regretted them before... I went to far this time and I'm scared the only way I'll be able to cover it up is to cut more...

lines aren't as bad for me... they don't send me into an episode every time I look at them...

It's not like a can tell my new therapist because that will get me sent straight to a mental hospital...

I'm fucked...