Dear Diary

Entry 4

TW!!! SUICIDAL THOUGHTS!!
SELF-HARM DESCRIBED IN DETAIL!!!

I woke up to being handed the baby... again. And soon after, David showed up.

David is this family first dude hired by cps, because my extended family members decided that they wanted to be agents of chaos. Now cps has an open case on my parents. So we basically don't have a choice but to work with him.

My mom announced that he was here, and I decided to go to the other room.

My brother said that it didn't make sense since he already knew I existed.

I said that I just didn't want to talk to some random dude.

So my brother told me that, that was ridiculous.

Apparently it wasn't just extended family, and my other brothers school counselor. Apparently my doctor also made a report so that's a thing.

If I tell anyone how unstable I feel like my living situation is, there're gonna think it's because of my parents. When in reality it's because of the people who are supposed to help people. Fucking cps needs to stay out of my business.

So I guess I should just go fuck myself.

My family went to lunch, I decided to skip.

I'm honestly tempted to starve myself to death.

More likely thirst to death, but it might actually work this time if I don't eat. I'm honestly this close 👌. Idk, probably not... but damn it, I just want a Fucking break!!!

I fucking hate myself...

If your mentality ill... don't read this shit.

Or do, I can't stop you.

Sometimes I want to rip off my flesh, and just leave myself as a skeleton.

That's probably why I struggled with self-harm for a while.

I wasn't removing my flesh, but I was damaging it.

I'm over a month clean, but it's so hard not to relapse sometimes.

I kinda miss looking down at my bloody hands and knife, while the cuts on my thighs drip onto the floor... GOD I'M FUCKED UP!!!

but... the satisfaction that would just spread through my body was the only relaxing thing in my life.

I'm so numb all the time... it's nice to just feel things.

Honestly the only thing keeping me from relapsing right now is the fact that I'm at camp and don't have my knives on me.

I just ended up scrolling through my phone.

Eventually I told my mom that I was stressed as fuck, had an entire mental breakdown, and cried about it.

I really need to stop doing that.

Eventually I was dragged to dinner... so much for starving myself.

After dinner I was dropped off at my play rehearsals.

I didn't want to go... since my day has been kinda sucky.

But I managed to draw this so...

I really am mentally ill, arnt I?

Didn't even get around to my like... four or five lines.

Came back, got snacks, and now to force my mom to watch Jessie with me before bed.