It's only a matter of time

Chapter 2

John POV

Once we're home I make the kids dinner and we sit at the table. I start eating but then Everest, or Ever as we all call him, stops me "Papa we have to say grace first... Mama said we should always thank God before we eat"

"God's the one that took Mama, he deserves none of our thanks" I reply and keep eating. Ever looks down and plays with his food. I hear a knock at the door and get up to answer. When I open it I see Alexander standing there.

"John.. you haven't been answering my letters, I got worried. How have you been?" He asks. I haven't been answering his letters because I don't want to be comforted or persuaded by his words. If Eliza can't be Happy neither can I. The only reason I'm keeping myself alive is so the kids are safe and protected by me. Once they're old enough to be safe and live on their own I'll die.

But instead of saying that I shrug "I've been fine" I suppose that could be true if fine meant not sleeping, hardly eating and crying most of the day

"I can see the circles under your eyes. No offence but you look like shit" He replies and lets himself in. I don't bother to stop him. He's another reminder of Eliza, He is Gabriel's Biological father... He got her Pregnant while I was fighting in the war.

"as much as I appreciate your insults, I would appreciate them more if you left me alone and sent them in letters I can ignore" I reply.

"John please let me help you... I know how hard this must be for you, but Eliza would want you to take care of yourself" I just shake my head. He sighs then pulls me into a hug.

"What're you doing? Let me go alexander, I have things to do" I protest.

He pulls away but only a bit "Let me see your arms" He asks. I pull down the sleeves of my shirt more and fold my arms. He takes arm and pulls it towards him and pulls up the sleeve, revealing old and new scars all over my forearm. I pull my arm away. "John I-"

"No, don't tell me this isn't healthy or Eliza would want me to do better. I don't care. Eliza isn't here, and she's not coming back so there's no point pretending doing things she wanted is going to do anything for anyone. I'm looking after our kids and staying alive for her, but I can't and I won't do more than that. Hell I won't even stay alive that much longer" as I say this tears come to my eyes again "At least if I die I'll get to see her"

"Don't die John, Right now is going to be the hardest, you're finally accepting that she's not coming back" He pulls me into his arms again "You're allowed to cry, and be weak, and ask for help, You're allowed to look after yourself. You're right. Doing things that she wanted won't bring her back. But not doing things, that's just going to make her memory fade. So take a breath John and let everything out

I stand there for a moment before hugging him back and bursting into tears "I miss her Alex, I miss her so much, it's not fair, she didn't deserve this" I sob and cling onto him.

"I know Johnny, I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this" He runs his hands through my hair like Eliza used to which only makes me cry harder.

Alexander POV

I feel horrible, I miss Eliza so much, I can only Imagine how John feels. I think I'm glad that He didn't read those letters. I was drunk when I wrote them and I think he would kill me if he read them.

I hate seeing John so upset, he's been heartbroken before but never like this. I hold him close in my arms as he sobs "Do you want me to move in and help you with the kids?" He nods a little.

"I don't know what to do Alexander, I can't live without her, I can't function without her, she was my whole world, she knew how to take care of the kids and always knew what was best" he cries

"I know.. I know, you're gonna be ok, you're so strong and you're the most incredible father ever, don't doubt that John. She loved you and she knew you were gonna be ok. But you don't have to be ok now. Now you need to sleep.. it will help."

He pulls away and wipes his eyes and nods.