My Greatest Award (나의 제일 좋은 상)

His Number (L)

"Just go home, Y/N," I say, with my finger pressed against his lips as I crouch in front of him in the empty practice room. Y/N just stares at me with slightly widened eyes. "You wouldn't be able to think straight if you stayed here anyway."

I get up slowly and reach my hand out to him to help him up. As he gets up, he looks slightly disoriented, though it's understandable after the rollercoaster of emotions he must've just been through.

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I smile at him, trying to hide my regret for how I'd acted just a few minutes ago in the training session.

"Thank you, Lisa." Y/N bows to me before pausing for a moment. "Lisa, do you mind keeping what happened in here between the two of us?" He asks almost timidly as his face becomes a light shade of pink.

As my mouth opens to reply, my mind instantly lags behind as I start to feel a little guilty. I had planned to tell the girls anyway; we tell each other everything. Though, this does seem to be pretty personal to Y/N. But the girls already know about how rocky his relationship is, since he tends to have most of his phone conversations in the hallway outside the training rooms, where we can all hear him. Really, he should really consider somewhere else next time. Oh wait- there won't be a next time... Though I'm sure everyone was expecting it anyway.

My mind returns to Y/N's request. Keep what happened in here between the two of us. Wait, he doesn't mean the breakup, does he? As I recall how I'd entered the room and hugged Y/N on instinct, my face heats up once more. Trying to salvage the situation, I do my best to snap out of it and just nod in response. That was probably way more awkward than it had to be.

Y/N bows another time before turning and leaving the practice room, leaving me standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. As the silence of the now-empty practice room engulfs me, a wave of guilt washes over me as my eyes begin to feel wet. I bring my hand up to cup my mouth as a few tears begin to roll down my cheek.

My mind laments over the earlier events. How I'd started lecturing Y/N and after a while he'd just burst out of the room and headed into this room. How I found him sitting against the wall in a mess when I'd followed him here. I know he told me that it was because of his breakup right before training and the fact that he'd tried to hold it in. But I still can't help but feel responsible for it. Like I'd triggered it somehow.

I thought that things would smoothen out if I just treated him like a normal trainee, so I've been harder on him for the past few weeks. Maybe a little too hard? I don't know, I just wanted my feelings for him to go away. Though in retrospect, that was probably just selfish of me. I was harsh and strict towards him for no reason; his skill is much better than what you'd normally expect from someone who's only been training for less than three months. I was stupid and only treated him that way because I was a coward who couldn't face the way I felt for him.

I don't even know why I fell for him, or when, but it just happened. I didn't want to admit it at first, but at some point I couldn't stop getting butterflies in my stomach waiting for him every day in the training room. I keep getting all flustered and speechless whenever he talks to me, which is pretty unusual when I'm mentoring trainees. I'd even catch myself looking forward to his training sessions, and would start planning out what we'd do for each session in my head way ahead of time.

I just can't explain why he makes me feel this way; he's just a trainee, and he's three years younger than me. Plus, after seeing a few people close to me go through relationships while balancing careers as idols, Jennie included, I'm not sure if I'm cut out for it. It's really taxing and tiring, and it makes this already stressful and almost toxic lifestyle much worse. All the constant negative media attention, even tougher scrutiny from the company, and worst of all, the attacks from the "fans". Not to mention, I think Chaeyoung had wanted to pursue Y/N again. Though she hasn't mentioned it in a while, so I'm not sure how that's going... I do know that they're pretty close now, at least. They've been texting quite a lot; sometimes I'd catch Chaeyoung texting Y/N during group schedules with a smile on her face. It was always fun to tease her when that happened.