Red Rubies | Yoongi

24) After Dark

That I need to ask
Before I'm alone
How it feels to rest
On your patient lips
To eternal bliss
After Dark-Mr. Kitty

Yoongi

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It felt like Yoongi's life had come to a point of no return.

Each decision he made felt heavy, weighted on his shoulders. Like if he made the wrong move, his life would completely change.

Once simple, easy decisions felt like pain. Should he go get coffee this morning? Or would the hour he would be gone from Jin's place, would Joy finally make the trek there?

Every moment for this past week, he had so carefully planned. Carefully moved. Wishing he was back in that dark mansion, with nothing but green hills ahead of his sight. The feel of silky, black hair sliding beneath his fingertips as gray clouds sent their torrents of tears at the ground. Being able to hold her in the dark, knowing he made it less scary for her.

That, that was the night Yoongi realized he loved Joy. Not that he never loved Celine, but that he loved Joy in a different way. A way that usually only happens once.

Celine had been close. But all images with her had been a fantasy. A simple kiss, or a dream that was fantastical and fleeting. They were never normal, simple. They never felt real.

His images of Joy never failed after he woke up, they remained in his minds eye. They didn't disappear as he did ordinary things throughout the day, like cooking or cleaning or just sitting to watch TV. The entire time he just wished she was there to experience it with him. The little things. Because she is what made it feel like they were two characters, created from the mind of a loving and romantic author.

Yoongi felt stupid, felt like he messed up the one moment in his life that would've made a difference. Of course, he knew that he never wanted to lose Joy. He knew it wasn't everyday that someone like that appeared in his life. But his inability to communicate and slow down and make her feel safe and wanted was his fault. That required a different type of vulnerability that at the time, he hadn't been able to give. Sex was easy, in the way a powerful waterfall only flows down. Natural. Inevitable to stop moving.

Emotional intimacy was not.

He had thought about going to visit her. To go to her apartment. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. It was something Nick would do. That is the antithesis of what he wanted to show her.

There were so many things he would've done differently.

And, now, it was only fair in his life that he might never have the chance.

Yoongi's heart thumped softly, watching the leaves fall outside of Jin's window seat. Orange bleeding into gold and brown. Delicate and ready to crumble under the touch of someone's light grip.

It was October. Her favorite month.

The man smiled to himself, wistful. He had planned on telling Jin to throw a Halloween party, so that Joy wouldn't miss home. The man would do anything to make her feel like she had a place in this world.

All thoughts left his mind when he heard the doorbell ring. Jin had ordered his doorman to take the week off, considering Yoongi's affliction.

Joy? Could it be?

Yoongi's heart raced, a lump stuck in his throat. He gripped at his neck, loosening the button of his white button down shirt. His eyes were hopeful as he ran down the hall to the main foyer, his cold heart seeming to soar. A sad smile licked at his lips, as he gripped onto the doorknob.