Stardust & Smiles ✅

Chapter 25: We'll Be Alright

"I lost my way all the way to you and in you I found all the way back to me."

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Max is gone and as horrible as it sounds, I'm glad.  Inviting him was such a mistake. 
Everything I've been doing lately has been one big mistake if I'm being honest.  
   
After Liam stormed out, I sat down and started writing, but I only got through a paragraph before I gave up, the guilt consuming me from the inside out and poisoning my typing fingers. 
   
I fucked up.  And might have ruined my relationship with the person I cared more for.  And for what?  What was I scared of? 
   
So I called Bella.  We had a session that was over an hour long before I finally figured it out, with her guidance. 
   
"Let's put aside the fight for a minute, alright?  Take a deep breath and think about these past few years.  Do you notice any patterns in the way you thought about Liam?" 

She hadn't gotten upset when I'd finally confessed about calling him every night and the whole Max situation.  But she had been firm in stopping my procrastination and finally figuring out this metaphor. 
   
"I mean, I can't think of anything...it was mostly just because we saw each other all the time."  She nods thoughtfully.
   
"What was because you saw each other all the time?"  I frown.
   
"Well...I guess I hadn't really assumed it was a pattern, I just...whenever things would get bad with Lewis he was sort of my escape.  He was my promise that it would get better and that I'd make it out alive."  I'm holding back the sobs threatening to claw up my throat and Bella smiles softly at me. 
   
"You're on the right track, keep going with that thought."  I take a deep breath and continue, choosing my words carefully.
   
"Well, if Lewis was being abusive, I'd just go to bed early and dream about the life I'd always envisioned with Liam, unencumbered by what Elaine or Archer or our families would think.  It was...safe, I guess, because he was basically my brother."
   
"And now?"  I think for a few moments.
   
"And now we're neither.  We're not friends.  We're not lovers.  I guess you could say we're a fine line."  Bella is nodding encouragingly and looking proud.
   
"That's great work, Lily.  We will come back to that in a second, but I want you to think about what you've said now and concentrate: what did Liam symbolize for you from the moment you first had feelings for him up until the wedding?"  I bite my lip, the answer so close I can almost taste it.  Bella lets me have a few minutes. 

My mind is wandering along the beaten path of my childhood.  I stumbled occasionally off the path and into the dark forests but I always found my way back, following the sunshine filtering through the trees.  Following Liam. 

I've got it.

"Liam was my hope."  I know I'm right when Bella's whole face smiles and she picks up her water and mock-toasts me from across the screen. 

"I'm really proud of you, Lily, you've done some great work today.  Can you tell me what this means, now?"

"Maybe I did really love him at times in my past but he was never something I was going to have, just something to follow.  I wasn't strong enough to guide myself so I turned him into my roadmap.  And then when it finally became real it was like I'd reached the end of the road and there was nowhere else left to go.  And that scared me.  So I took a sharp turn instead to avoid the end and turned it into Max."  Bella chuckles.

"I'm not sure I'm needed here any longer, Lily.  But just remember, not everything has a double meaning.  I think on some level the human part of you wanted to get back at Liam for not calling you.  But did you ever think to ask him why he stopped?" 

We wrapped up the call a few minutes later after she gave me some parting advice on how to start moving forwards.

"I know you love him, Lily.  But you have to separate your hope and your love if you ever want to be with him.  Be your own hope, Lily.  Draw your own map.  You're strong enough now."