Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

79. To retell

[A/N: The fact that I was thinking of incorporating this in the last chapter... wishful thinking. It's a long chap that discusses trauma and s*xual assault, so please don't read if you find that triggering, okay?💓]

"Oh, good, you're here", Vanessa said, as I closed the door behind me seven times. I had been outside, on my own, walking Tobi. It might have just been around the block - but it had taken me more than half an hour.
And, more importantly - I had made it.
"I'm here?", I said jokingly, not really sure what Vanessa had meant with it.
"Jade will be here in 10 minutes", she clarified, and gladly petted Tobi who was jumping up and down from not seeing Vanessa in a while.
I processed the information.
My lawyer was coming over.
"-Right", I said out loud, but inside I let myself confess that I had forgotten about it.
Or, to be frank, I had made myself forget it.
Like the statement I had to write.
"And Dr Noma", she reminded me.
I looked down at my hands.
I was tapping again.
Already.
"I don't want to", I told her quietly, biting my tongue. Vanessa sighed sympathetically.
"I know, I know. It'll soon be over, okay?", she said, putting her arms around me. The way she said it was so thoughtful, considering I was the one who had wanted to do this in the first place. Who had forced them to let me do this, even though they knew that it could to me.
I nodded into her shoulder, and tried to pick myself up again.

Jade and Dr Noma had gotten nothing out of me in the last meeting. So, now, they were coming to my safe spot of the world, where my safe people were.
And I didn't know if that was better.
If anything, it made me more nervous.
I usually tried not to think about it here.

"Hey, Niñita", Lin said, emerging from the living room, with a small smile on his face. "Ready?", he continued, as I let go of Vanessa.
I unwillingly nodded, swallowing my anxiety yet again - having no idea if I ever were to be able to open that door to those memories.
Or how I would react when I did.

Jade was a radiant woman. The kind of confident person anyone would want to be. She nodded at Dr Noma, who was sitting in the armchair. I was sitting in my usual spot on the sofa, tapping and blinking. Vanessa was seated next to me, and Lin on the other side. Together, they built a wall to protect me.
"So, um...", Jade began, flicking through her papers. "I know we discussed this last time, but I just wanted to double-check with you again, Rue. Because there is a possibility for you to testify from another room via video link, and truthfully both me and Dr Noma thinks that it would be the best for you-"
To my own surprise, I cut her off.
"I want to be in the room, as I said last time", I told her, my voice sounding so small and quiet.
I knew why I wanted that, but it still felt impossible. Maybe that's why I manifested it so hard. That it would make it easier.
"Okay", Jade said, not asking any more questions about it. "On the day of the trial you will only have to make your statement. You'll be in and out of that courtroom in minutes, okay?", she calmly informed me.
I nodded, while looking down at my tapping hands, as I blinked rhythmically.
"Rue, would you be willing to go through the events with us?", Dr Noma asked from her seat.
I tapped faster.
"Not really", I said sarcastically, looking up, and forcing a small smile as I felt the weight build up on my shoulders. I could hear Lin silently giggle next to me in response to my reply.
"I know it's not on the top of your list right now", Dr Noma replied, looking at me kindly. "Yet, it's really important for you to have processed the whole thing, and for Jade to get the whole picture", she explained.
Once again, I unwillingly nodded.
Jade spoke.
"And I just want you to know that I'm recording this meeting, so I won't miss anything. Are you okay with that?"
Vanessa squeezed my hand to tell me she was there. It gave my mind some peace.
I nodded to say that I was okay with that.
Even though it was all overwhelming.

I have to do this in order to do the trial, I thought to myself. I just have to get through this.

"So why don't you start with what you were doing that day?", Dr Noma began.
Looking back, I realise that they were avoiding words like kidnapping or s*xual assault to describe what they were calling the thing.
Because they knew that those were triggers.
Better to avoid them before I actually had to get close to them.
"Um... i-it was after school and I was at Tua's, the café, with my friend Carson. We had peach ice teas. W-we were talking and he was helping me w-with my maths homework", I slowly said, looking back at the moments in the cafés, as I searched for the words while retelling the story. "Funny thing though, I... I unintentionally solved a math problem from his book, and he's like in advanced math. Sorry, that doesn't matter-"
Jade cut in.
"Everything matters", she assured me.
I was still looking down at my fiddling, tapping, hands.
"O-okay. I think I texted V and L-Lin I was coming home in an hour or so. Um, Carson left after a while. Had to go to work. I was also really tired that day, a-and really jumpy, even though I had taken like, I don't know, seven antidepressants", and as I said that, I could feel Lin tense up next to me. Neither of them really knew how long my overdosing had gone on for.
"We said goodbye after joking about... about him going to work to cuddle puppies", I forced out, feeling myself getting closer to the actual matter at hand.