Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

73. To come: to terms

[A/N: I wrote this so quickly. The words just flew out of my mind and onto paper. Get ready for a roller coaster of emotions. Enjoy!💐]

When I got back, I was on the floor.
I could hear Lin and Vanessa talking, sounding more concerned than they usually did. Yet, I couldn't make out what they were saying.
I realised that I was crying; my cheeks were wet, and it had run down onto my neck.
My vision was blurry, due to a mix of tears and getting used to the lighting. Without thinking about it, I sat straight up. Vanessa instantly jumped up next to me, not prepared for me to move.
"Woah, Rue, take it easy-", Vanessa's voice said, clearly sounding relieved, as she broke through the barrier for the first time in who knows how long. I instantly resumed to twitching, tapping and blinking. Like nothing had happened. Except the fact that I was exhausted, and felt almost sick. I panically started looking across the room, my breath getting faster.
"Shhh, honey. It's okay. You're here, you're here with us", she continued, putting her arms around me, and hugged me tightly. She tried to cover up her worrisome voice, but it still shone through.
From a few meters away, I heard Lin say something out of relief.
"Oh, thank god", it was quiet, but I heard him.
I was still shaking.
It hadn't stopped.
It usually did.
Why hadn't it stopped?
I still felt uneasy, like I wasn't really there.
I desperately looked around me, panically trying to make sense of everything.
Lin was standing just a few feet away, holding Sebastian, who was having a meltdown. Lin, on the other hand, looked more concerned and stressed than he usually did after one of my attacks, but was trying to calm down Sebastian. He turned his head from Sebastian to me, unable to focus on the both of us.
I swallowed.
Sebastian was crying.
Something must've happened.
I must've done something.
"Rue, Niñita, please say something", Vanessa said, calmly letting go of me, her eyes staring directly into mine.
This is all your fault.
"W-what?", I managed to say, slightly confused, my hands shaking as I had to support my weight, while sitting up. "W-what's going on? What did I do?", desperately trying to make sense of the situation.
Your fault.
I saw her exhale out of relief.
"You were out for a while, Niñita", Lin said, bobbing Sebastian up and down. Only now did I realise he was holding his phone, ready to make a call. I swallowed again, the worries flooding over me. I'd scared them this time. Really scared them. "But, Rue-Rue, it's okay. It's okay", the response coming as soon as he saw my worried face.
"Sorry", the apology coming out of my mouth before I'd even processed what he'd said.
"No, no. Don't be sorry. You can't control it. You know this, Niñita. We just got a little worried", Vanessa said, squeezing my hand.
Still, I was shaking.
This is your fault.
I forced myself to nod; to somehow communicate with them.
So I wouldn't scare them further.
So I wouldn't be in the way.
It didn't feel like it usually did afterwards.
It was just as bad as before.
It had a grip around my heart; and it wouldn't settle.
I felt stuck.
Stuck in my ways.
I squinted my eyes closed; trying to endure the pain of routines piling up, as I pulled my legs up into fetal position.
"V-", I managed to say, exhausted from the panic that wouldn't stop. "It... it won't go", my heart was still racing like before. "It won't stop", and I broke down into tears, my voice breaking as I said it. "It won't s-stop"
I was still refusing to touch my arms, though they were hurting from not being scratched up - practically screaming to be harmed.
She took me in her arms.
"The... there's so much to do, V... ", I rambled on, helplessly putting the words together, gasping for air in between the sobs.
"I know, honey. I know"

I don't know how long I sat like that; nor how long she sat with me. I didn't register the things around me. Sebastian stopped crying at some point. Lin moved around, putting away the food on the table that barely had been eaten. He asked Vanessa something, but I couldn't hear what. I was just in this constant state of fear, the thoughts echoing in my head.