Escaping The Loop

XXX

I rub my eyes and he mimics my motion. We are both in complete disbelief.

"Excuse me Jessica...I...I", his speech faltering.

Who the hell is Jessica?!

If Kalon has anything to do with this, his ass is for dinner tonight, and not in the way he would like.

"Who's Jessica? It's me Jillian." And I can't respond other than that, and I smiled.

How I would love to take you in my office. Whoa! I should stop reading erotic romance novels. The guy is too good looking, someone has to get this!

He looks at me as if he has seen a ghost; he is disjointed, unable to form a single sentence. Oh Zen, shy coy Zen! You have no idea how I missed you! You came here for me, didn't you?

"Well don't worry the interview is just a formality. I am already familiar with your work, so I find no need to speak about this further." I said as I was walking towards my desk, trying awfully hard to sound formal and no nonsense.

He was still in his traumatized state; darling surely you are as startled as I am. What a pleasant way to start a day!

"You can start immediately. Check out charts, help Kalon, whatever you prefer."

"Kalon? You mean the Kalon?! not Carlos."

"Zen who are these people you speak of? You are seriously jetlagged." I said, giggling, stop it Jillian! My subconscious screamed. I made myself busy with signing a blank piece of paper, avoiding eye contact.

He eventually snapped out of it, and regained his decorum.

"No need. I am leaving."

"You just got here." No don't leave!

"Excuse me." He headed towards the door.

Run my gut kicked in.

I dashed to the door, and I was the barrier between the door and Zen.

"I need you!" I yelped, "I mean this institution needs you. This is such a project dear to my heart and my partners' hearts, we want to manage to medicate as much people as possible, and your skills are remarkable, overqualified, but nevertheless." I practically begged he can't leave!

He looked at me, pensive, my eyes searching his for consent. My need to hold him is overcoming this façade I am displaying, I am weak, powerless. I never felt this way with him before. Is it longing? Of course it is! I longed for him, awfully so.

He looked weak, physically. He has lost weight, there are recognizable bags under his eyes, and his 5 o'clock shadow is now a was-sent-to-prison full on beard. My hand involuntarily raised itself to caress his cheek, I am weak. "You have no idea how many times I imagined this Zen. I missed you. How have you been? You seem tired."

His expression was blank.

"Quite observational Doctor."

"Don't be that way. Don't."

"I will be whatever I damn well please Jillian." He said with such vehemence. Why does he hate me so? What did I do? And what I did was for both our benefit.

"Why are you this way? I left for you, for me. For both of us. Tania suited you more than me, is she here?" faking a smile.

"Jillian you are not serious, are you?" he paused running his fingers through his hair, "I did not get married."

I did not get married.

I did not get married.

I did not get married.

The phrase echoed in my head. Again, again, and again.

A big fat smile spread itself across my face. With all the will and power God bestowed upon me, I lunged myself at him, losing myself and control with that one sentence.

(A.N: I strongly advise to listen to fifty shades by boy epic during this part)

I kissed him with the power and passion that could restore the dead. I grabbed his hair, and pulled at it, digging my fingers so deep in that lush head of hair that he has. I touched every surface available, I missed him and was never allowed this advantage, this man was worth admiring and I always took him for granted. He faltered backwards as I wrapped my legs around him and buckled them with my ankles. My hands trembling but insistent, this was happening, and I will be damned if I acted all proper and let this go.

Hey he wasn't a saint either! He was as anxious as I was. He grabbed and touched as he damn well pleased.

We were lost. And this was just making out, wink.

It was desperate, rushed, and what we both needed. We never ventured to this area before. Well once before. Here we are again, and I am just...thankful. The final piece was falling into place. This is it; where they say 'the next day' or end the movie by rolling the credits. I smiled through our kisses, his lips under my ear, his breath against my jaw, the euphoric feeling of his cooperation. As his face returned to mine, I grabbed his face in my hands, and stared right into those brown orbs that I know quite sure I would die for, that I should die a hundred deaths for leaving him. He stared right into mine angry, vulnerable, loving, hating, needing, wanting...his ambivalence loud and clear.

"I am so sorry I left. I am. I am so sorry I left you. I always thought that I placed my dreams aside and turned down adventure for the sake of having a normal provincial life. My love, I am ashamed of myself; I failed to realize that you, my darling, are my greatest adventure. I may travel, and meet people, eat exotic cuisine, open a clinic in Africa...I might be on top of the world, but believe me it is the loneliest view from the top without you. I will live whichever life we chose, as long as I am with you, as long as we are together. I love you so deeply that I can't imagine myself but with you. You haunted me for a year, and I cherished those hauntings as if they were mine to keep, sent to me. Please love me again, maybe we had to get apart to get closer, I don't know. Stay. Stay...with me. I know it's too much to ask, after everything, but I am not letting you go", clutching his face as if it was a threat, "never again."

Sitting at my desk, with me on his lap, he smiled that 1000 watt, million dollar smile.

"And what now?" he said and we smiled at the memory that phrase held. It held both meanings; a beginning and an end. It was both a stepping stone and a grave stone. We didn't need any more stepping stones on the trail we were at, nor was it the end.

It's a new pavement.

"Well", I nuzzled in his neck breathing that familiar scent which I know from now on I can't live without, "Kalon's ass is on the menu tonight, care to join?"