Growing Into You (First Draft; Unedited)

lii.

Jayen

“Jayen, dear?” 

I groaned and rolled over. “Hm?”

“Jayen.” I felt Alexandra’s hands trail down my arm and embracing my hand. “Jayen.”

I opened my eyes, and blinked several times to adjust my eyes. It was still dark outside and equally as dark in the room aside from a small candle on the bedside table, illuminating Alexandra’s concerned expression. She was leaning over me, her long dark hair cascading down her shoulders.

“Are you okay?” 

I propped myself up on my elbows, “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You were having a nightmare. . .” she pulled herself into a sitting position. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“If I was then I don’t remember it.” I said.

“It sounded bad, you. . . well, you were yelling–begging, really, for someone not to hurt you. . .” she trailed off with a sorrowful look in her eyes.

I felt my heart drop with the shame of her having been awoken by me. I didn’t even remember what it was about, I tried to think back but I could only recall feeling drained. Both emotionally and mentally. It could’ve been about Mr. Wideman or Jinan and that thought alone would be enough to freak her out. That I’d have to ask for clarification if I was calling out a name because there were two people who have hurt me repeatedly. I shook my head. “I don’t remember what that would’ve been about.”

“Jayen, are you sure? You can talk to me about these things. You were begging Jinan to stop.” She tried to grab my hand and I quickly drew it back leading to a more hurt expression on her face. 

I took a deep breath, “Okay, I do want to talk about it. Could you light a few more candles? I want to be able to. . . to see you.”

She gave a small smile. “Of course.”

I moved myself farther up into a sitting position as Alexandra got up. I watched her as she summoned a small glowing fire in her pinched fingers. She lit the candle on the night table by me and the candelabras on the dressers, creating a soft light throughout the room. She climbed back into bed next to me and reached for my hand, this time I let her hold it. I rubbed my thumb lightly over her knuckles. I was struggling to find a place to start.

“Anytime you’re ready. . .” she said softly.

“I’m trying to find where to start,” I explained.

She moved closer to me so our thighs were touching. I could feel the warmth of her leg through my pants. “What happened? What did he do?”

“It’s funny. . . when we first started dating I thought we were completely and hopelessly in love. I was only nineteen and I had been working in the estate since I was sixteen under Lord Damon. Jinan and I met unexpectedly when we bumped into each other in the North wing. Back then, the estate was full of workers. . . you could go years without meeting people.

“Anyway, we had started dating almost immediately. He was twenty-three at the time and had been working there twice as long as me. . . at first he was sweet. He would give me flowers and call me beautiful. He also had hundreds of pet names for me. . . some of them were very telling when I think about it. Sometimes he would make me things, things made of wood or metal scraps. . .” My voice started to waver and Alexandra kissed my hand.

“Go on, please,” she encouraged.

I took a deep breath. “It took four months for him to start with the insults. One time, he stumbled into our room drunk just to accuse me of cheating on him. He would call me worthless, useless, stupid, a used up bitch, and. . . things I don’t think I could ever repeat. He would accuse me of the wildest things. If I showed up late for anything he would. . . he would say I was off with a co-worker and when I told him that he was hurting my feelings he’d just say: ‘I didn’t say that. Why are you upset? You’re always blaming me for your own out of control emotions. You’re crazy.’ Jinan was never kind to me after that.

“He quickly isolated me from all my friends. Kuna would have to sneak into my garden to talk to me and Devi basically climbed through windows just to give me news. He would take low blows to me every chance he got. His favorite was reminding me that I’m ugly and that I was ‘lucky’ to be with him. Dei. . . I started believing what he was saying. I thought he still loved me and he would be the only one to love me.” I looked up at Alexandra, blinking back tears. Unable to go on without my voice shattering. Tears had started rolling down her cheeks sometime during my story and my heart broke. 

She wrapped me in her arms. “I. . . Oh, Jayen, ma chérie. . .”

I sniffled. “That’s before he started hitting me too. He was smart about it. He would never hit me where it couldn’t be seen. On my stomach, chest, and back. Unless he was drunk then he would beat me until he passed out and he didn’t care where the blows landed. . . And that’s about it.” I glanced back at her as she wiped tears from her cheek and it hit me that I’ve never seen her cry before. My vision started getting blurry with tears as I stared off into the distance. 

Alexandra shot me a concerned look. “Jayen? Are you okay?”

I nodded, refusing to make eye contact after having just bared my soul to the woman.

She kissed my forehead in a tender gesture. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m so sorry. . . No one should have to go through things like that. . . Jayen, do you still believe the things he told you?”

I shrugged and looked away. “It’s hard to stop believing things he had told me for years. . . I know I’m not useless or worthless but. . . sometimes I still feel like maybe he was right, y’know? Maybe I am unlovable. . .” my voice cracked. I felt a deep pang in my chest as I spoke. I don’t think I’ve ever admitted that to anyone before.

Alexandra grabbed my face to look her in the eyes. “You are not unlovable, okay?”

I bit my lip to stop it from wavering, “How would you know? You barely know me.”

“Because I love you, Jayen.” Her eyes went wide with the realization of what she just said. My heart stopped for a second as I felt blood rushing to my head. “I um. . . I’ll go tell Maj about. . . about our plans for tomorrow. If that’s okay?”

All I could do was nod frantically. The mere thought of her loving me was dizzying and the fact that she actually said it. . . The cold air set in as soon she got off the bed, seeping through my skin and taking hold in my bones. She gave a quick glance back at me before ducking out of the door. 

Should I have said it back? I ran my hand through my hair and let out a deep sigh. If I had it back would I have meant it? Or would I just be saying for the sake of just saying it back? I drew my knees up to chest. . . Did I love her?