Growing Into You (First Draft; Unedited)

xxxiv.

Jayen

“You can never take back anything.” Joshua was holding a plate that I accidently broke. “You can feel bad about it and cry about it but there’s no changing it. What happens happens.”

“Josh, I know. . .” I was sitting at the kitchen table. My hands were shaking badly. It had a few weeks since I left the mansion and Joshua and his wife were visiting me at his old cottage.

“I’m worried about you. I know things have been hard but--”

“You don’t know anything!” I yelled. “You’ve been gone for months! Where were you when I needed you?”

His eyes softened and he grabbed my hand. I was clenching them so hard my nails left little crescents on my palm. “I’m sorry. . . truly. I’ve just been so busy with Soran and our new home that I didn’t think you were in trouble. You were fine at my wedding. I had no idea. . .”

I choked back tears. “I didn’t want to ruin it. I ruin everything I touch. I couldn’t do that to you two.”

“Jay. . . who told you that?” 

I cried.

“Exactly, nothing he told you was true. You’re a good person and you’re so strong.” He pulled me into a hug. “You’ve been through so much, but you could’ve told me at any point.”

“I was ashamed!”

“Hey, hey.” He smoothed down my hair as I sobbed against him. “It’s not your shame, it’s his.”

I let my eyes unfocus on the wagon ground. I was horrified with myself. I nearly killed Jinan. . . I wanted to, I was going to kill him. If it wasn’t for the timer and the lightning strike. . . I shivered. No, the important thing is that I won. I won.

Devi nudged my arm. “We’re almost there.”

I looked up past Jinan. The estate was coming into view in between the trees. For how long it was vacant the building was in good shape. There was no longer any ivy growing in it but there was still moss. You couldn’t get moss to drop off of anything. I took a deep breath to push down my growing anxieties. I’m here. It’s okay, I’m home.

If you could call it that. . .

The wagon rolled to a stop. Devi grabbed me by the crook of the elbow and pulled me out of the wagon with her. I stumbled off and nearly fell down. I felt like I was moving in a thick jelly. My eyes wouldn’t focus.

“C’mon. . . let’s go inside. Maj will patch up your neck.” Devi pulled me along towards the mansion.

My neck? I brought my free hand up to feel the warm light trickle of blood. I’m still bleeding? My hand didn’t feel like my own, it was as if I was watching somebody else's hand move. My fingers were slick with blood.

“Jayen?” They sounded like they were miles away.

Who said that? My legs felt delayed and broken. My head pounded and I felt a sharp pain in my neck. Tears started to well up in my eyes. What was happening? 

My head felt foggy and clear at the same time. The ground was moving and still at the same time. Everything was super close and really far away at the same time. I clenched my fists. My fingers felt numb and bloated.

“Jayen?”

I looked up. Devi was looking at me. Did she ask me something? I stumbled backwards and Devi caught me before I fell. The lady was standing in the doorway. She was clutching her dress in her fists. I couldn’t see her face. Why couldn’t I see her face?

The edges of my vision started getting really fuzzy. I was going down, and I was going down hard.

“Jayen!”

“What happened to you?” Lun was standing across a field from me. His red hair caught the light and made it look as if it was on fire.

“Lun get over here, please.” I waved him over to me but he did not move.

“Jayen?” Joshua called out from the doorstep.

“Joshua! Lun won’t get over here. I turned to look at him. I had lived here for about a year.

“Lun? Jayen--”

I pointed towards the field. “He’s right there!”

“There’s nobody there. . .” Joshua’s voice was soft.

“But--”

“He passed away last month, Jayen.” He walked over to me and put his arms around me.

“But I saw--”

“Jayen, when children die in terrible ways, they wander the land until their death is brought to justice. . . or until they get tired. He was just saying goodbye to you.” He put his chin on my head. “I’m so sorry.”

“How did he die?”

He rubbed my back. “Jay, you really don’t--”

“Please.” I choked out. Lun couldn’t be dead.

“He was left alone. . . accidents happen. But it could’ve been prevented if his parents were there.” Joshua was crying too. “He was just a kid.”

I cried the entire night. How could something so bad happen to someone so young? He was only nine. . .

“Jayen?”

I blinked against the bright light. My head was elivated and against something soft. I was outside still. I felt the grass poking my back and legs. After I adjust the sun I could see Devi sitting at my feet. She looked relieved but she wasn’t the one who called my name.

I looked up, my heart pounding. 

The lady-- Alexandra looked down at me. “Hi.”

I was laying in her lap, my head on her thighs. My head felt as if I had run head first into a wall. I lifted my hand up, not for any particular reason but just to see if that terrible feeling had gone away. She grabbed my hand and rested in on her knee. 

“What happened?” I asked.

“Well, you’re passed out in the lady’s lap. Again.” Devi rolled her eyes and I flushed red. “Your neck stopped bleeding a few moments again. I think you were just overwhelmed with everything-- and losing a bit of blood.”

Alexandra caressed my cheek with her ungloved hand. I hadn’t realized how cold I felt until I felt her hand. She was very warm and I melted into her touch. Embarrassingly so.

“Let’s get you into bed. . .” She shifted under me.

“Who’s bed?” 

“Devi!” Alexandra’s eyes widened. “Mine though. I think she’s still fighting with Aoife.” 

I let them help me up into a sitting position. I felt cold without the lady behind me. “I’m. . . I’m really cold.” I shivered.

Alexandra pulled me up with her and we stood up. I swayed and she wrapped her hand around my shoulders for balance. “It’s okay. . . I got you.”