What Matters Most: Poems About Love, Loss, & Trauma

Chapter 30: Waiting for the Dawn

I had the dream again.
Reliving events
from many years ago.

I've walked down lonely 
frightening streets
in the dark,
sometimes lost...
sometimes just knowing
I had a long way to go.
Telling myself
all would be well.

Telling myself 
that I wasn't alone -
that there are people out there
that care about me
and will rescue me
before anything bad really happens,
though another part of me
feels the loneliness
a bit more oppressively
in moments like this,
when I realize
no one even knows
where I am,
much less cares,
when I'll be home.

My mind flashes back
to a time when this happened -
not sure how many years back.
I had missed the last bus
and decided to walk...
thought I'd take a shortcut
but I just got lost...

It got dark and very cold.
The winter streets were sick -
It's interesting what crosses your mind
in times like this...
thoughts about how close
they come to me - 
the cares that come around
each corner
their lights in my face...

and I think about how slippery
the street is
and how close the cars
get to me
before they even notice I'm there
walking alone on this night...
Something I should not be doing,
should I?

No one really knows
that I am out here walking.

I tell myself with each car approaching
that it will safely avoid me,
just like the car before it did...
and that the lightening
will wait
            will wait until I get home safely...
and the dogs I hear
will stay away,
not even noticing me...
and I plead with God desperately,
insisting that God intervene...

"You must!"
I should trust.
I must trust God...

These things I tell myself
over and over
at times like this,
trying to find comfort
in anything at all.

I've had this dream
more than once,
reliving real events
and I know it's a dream
this time
and I just wait
and hope
that the dawn
comes in time.