Heads or Tails ?

Chapter Thirty-Six

Lucy's pov

Zayn is freaking out.

It's actually adorable.

I've been training pretty intensely for the past few weeks now, with Zayn and Jules and pretty much everyone else in the house, and I'm getting good, really good actually, if I rely on what everybody is telling me.

So Liam sent me on my first job, with Zayn. Actually it was supposed to be Zayn and Niall but I asked Liam to let me go instead, and he said yes.

I'm not scared to do it, at all, I mean it's a simple job, we just need to follow a guy and kill him.

I'm not even worried that I potentially am going to have to kill somebody. I'm not sure when my life turned into a fucking action movie, but I'm not gonna lie and say I don't like it, because for the first time in my entire life I feel alive.

I feel good.

Zayn on the other hand... he's definitely not a fan of the idea of me fighting people and being in danger, and potentially getting hurt. He didn't actually try to stop me from going, but he's clearly very anxious.

We're currently in the car together, and he has his hand clasped with mine into my lap while he drives, holding it tightly. He hasn't stopped chewing on his lips and bouncing his legs against the floor...and he's driving a lot slower than he usually would.

"Zayn, if you keep going like that the guy is already gonna be gone when we get there." I say with a chuckle and Zayn turns his head around to glare at me, his eyes worried but also kind of annoyed.

"Everything is going to be fine," I squeeze his hand. "Stop driving like a ninety year old."

"You don't know that, how do you know everything is going to be fine ?" he breathes out, his voice quiet and almost shaky, and it's making my heart ache a bit.

"You've done this for years, and I know if you thought I couldn't do it you would never have let me go with you." I take my hand off his and let it fall down on my thigh, running my fingers over his palm and tracing random patterns on his skin.

"Of course I know you can do it Lu, that's not the problem."

"Okay, then what is the problem ? Talk to me." 

"What if you get fucking hurt ? I don't want to risk anything happening to you." he says as I keep playing with his fingers as I watch him. "And just because you can kill someone doesn't mean I want you to do it." I frown a bit at his words.

"What do you mean ?"

"It's not harmless, taking someone's life. It might seems like it to us because we've done it hundreds of times and we really don't feel anything anymore. But you're not the same. I know you're not a fragile little thing... but I also don't want you to become as cold as we are."

"I don't think you're cold." I frown even more now, turning my bodytowards him so I can look at him better, seeing his jaw clenched and eyebrows furrowed as he stares at the road ahead of us. "I think you're very sweet and kind and gentle. I don't think any of you are cold. At all."

"Just because I'm like this with you doesn't mean this is who I am." Zayn answers, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his pack of cigarettes but never turning to look at me.

I help him with the smoke, considering I'm still holding one of his hands and he has to drive with the other one, using his matches to light up the edge of the cigarette and watching as he takes a deep inhale. 

"It is who you are," I defend then. "It's not all that you are but it is you. You can be both soft and hard, you don't have to choose just one." I run my fingers through his hair, a faint smile drawing on my lips when Zayn leans into the touch.