Finding myself

Chapter 121

Even with the cheery nature, I showed Blaze and the others, something felt wrong these days. I couldn't put my finger in it, But I felt suffocated. Like I needed to leave and do something. I didn't want to worry anyone farther than I had so I kept it mostly to myself. I hope they didn't notice. It was hard for Blaze to notice the subtleties too, without the bond that is.

I would be lying if I said the absence of it didn't pain me. Sometimes I missed his presence in my mind. Probably because it deterred me from my negative thoughts. That made me laugh bitterly. How pathetic was I that I needed someone to monitor my thoughts for me now?

The packhouse was bustling as usual. For the first time in weeks, I could see the crowds. It had been weeks already.

I wanted to surprise Blaze so I climbed in through the window, sneaking around to his room. He wasn't there. So I went searching towards his office. The voices were muffled but my hearing was coming back so I could hear them if I concentrated. A female voice filtered through.

"How did we end up like this?" Someone asked. My eyes widened recognizing it as Jem's voice. I crept closer to his door snd pushed it in slightly to spy on them. Blaze was standing looking agitated while she sat with her back to me.

He would have sensed me if we still had the bond. But as it stood, my spying was left unperturbed. If I hadn't controlled my breathing he would have noted at least that.

"I know we have others now. But it was fun while it lasted. You... are not a bad person, Blaze" I looked down twiddling with my hair. 

There was a pause. Then she stood up.

"Thank you for everything Blaze. I wanted to tell you this sooner. Bit it was just me saving you, you saved me too. The colonies... they can get rough." She said. And don't I know it. Vampires could be ruthless, maybe it was because they didn't have as many limitations as we did. Even Scott had been confused why I found the sleep schedule Sam had for me so difficult.

"Anyways, it's true that I came here to spy on you. But you had shown me a world of warmth no one else had and I had found myself genuinely falling for you," 

I should have felt something at that statement shouldn't I? Anger? Jealousy? Sadness? 

Then why was it that I only felt pity?

Didn't I want him? Over the past few weeks, I thought I was falling for him. But was that what it was? Or just a dependency?

"It felt wrong to keep spying on you. I want you to know that after that happened after I fell for you, I didn't spy on you. Not really. I gave them false information about your training and everything else. I kept it as elusive and vague as I could. I-" She said urgently, her tone picking up speed with every word.

Blaze said something to interrupt her but I couldn't catch that.

"I am sorry for everything.." She whispered. I almost missed it.

She whispered something else but I couldn't catch that. I still couldn't hear that well.

Suddenly Blaze pulled her into a hug. She hugged him back. 

Unexpectedly, I found myself smiling. Amongst all the chaos around us, that moment, that one sincere moment they shared had felt so wholesome. Everything could be forgotten for a second. 

If I am being honest... they did look like a good fit. They were perfect for each other. On the other hand. I looked like something that crawled out of a grave. I had lost so much weight.

Mate or not, Blaze has had a much better relationship with her the I have ever had. My shoulders slumped forward. I was almost jealous. I couldn't tell whether it was of Blaze or Jem or their relationship in general.