The Freaks | Sally Face

Chapter 59: The Letter of Confession

Dear Sal,
It's taken me several attempts to try and write this letter to you. I don't write, we all know I'm failing English and I guess I don't know if you'll ever see this. I want to start by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being the person you've come here to see. I'm sorry for hurting you, calling you names and physically laying my hands on you. I don't know why I did all those things to you, to make you feel as low as I do. It was never fair, it was never what I wanted to do to you.

I know I never gave you a chance, I know I didn't ever give you a chance to get to know the real me. The real Travis that I have sitting inside my heart. To be honest, I don't know if he ever still exists but if anyone was going to give me the chance to find him, it would've been you. I know what a nice person you are, even to people who don't deserve your kindness. I've grown up to be such a hateful person and seeing someone so caring made me so jealous and deep down I know I wanted to be the same person you showed everyone else here in this shitty town. Fuck, I'm really not good at doing this. I've never done it before. It's really fucking hard to write this shit down.

I'm not playing a blame game, I know I'm not a good person. Not on the surface anyway. Things happened and I guess that's how I ended up so shitty. It's my own fault for choosing to be this person but you didn't choose to get the brunt of it.  You didn't ask for me to hurt you, you didn't ask for me to make you cry. Yes I saw you cry, I saw how much I hurt you and I never want to have to see those images in my head. It really hurt and I don't get hurt by seeing people upset. Not anymore.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, even though you know what sort of person I am, it's not who I want to be in the future. Seeing you and River together, seeing how much you care about each other is how I want to be with someone. Someone who will let me in. I guess if I had given you the chance, or tried to be your friend maybe I wouldn't have fallen further down the rabbit hole.  I'm so sorry for everything I have done to you. You deserve so much better than that.

I know we don't really know each other and you probably have your opinions of me. I thought maybe if I told you how I feel, things could be different. The truth is, I can't stop thinking about you. I'm crazy about you. I think you're amazing! But I know these feelings are wrong. It's not the way a boy should feel. Shame swallows me whole. My father would kill me but I can't live in his shadow forever I just...

I just hope one day you can forgive me and I can prove that I am someone worth your time. You won't see me for a while, if ever again. I just needed to tell you how I felt before something happens to me. If you ever need anything, you or River... then I'll do my best to make things right. My father will come for you both, keep each other safe. Before it's too late.

I hope to god what he says is right, that you and Rjver will destroy whatever he has planned for Nockfell.

I'm sorry for everything I've done. I hope you find it in your heart to one day forgive me.

Travis

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River's POV:-
Heartbreak, this boy had poured his heart out on this page I was so carelessly reading. I know this paper was not addressed to me, but I read it anyway. Part of me knew Travis gave this to me to see before giving it to Sal. It was my choice whether or not I wanted to share this information with my boyfriend. I couldn't help but be thankful he had given it to me beforehand, that he allowed me to read something so personal and something that he had never shared with anyone. Let alone someone I thought he hated.

I wiped my eyes, feeling his words on the page strike my chest. As I turned the page I saw a number, must be a burner cell that he was going to run away with. I folded the paper gently, not wanting to ruin the beautiful words he had written. I know what many of you may think, this is not a normal reaction to someone openly admitting to having feelings for your boyfriend but this was painful. To read that Travis had to hide who he truly was, that he had these feelings in the first place and he was made to feel ashamed of them, was heartbreaking. Even though Travis was a horrible person, he didn't deserve to have to hide himself this way. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair. I'm not excusing his actions but damn if his dad truly hurt him for having feelings for another boy, that's so backwards. In this day and age, you'd think people would be more accepting but I'm fully aware there are families that don't share that same acceptance. I wiped my eyes, picking up my belongings and decided to walk over to Sal.