Warning: this may be triggering. Please dont read if you think you'll be affected by this ....
*text*
Luke: where are you?
Ash: I can’t come today
Luke: why?
Ash: I feel sick
Luke: aw :( feel better okay
Ash: I’ll try
Luke: okay, love you
Ash: ily2
I wasn’t really sick; I just told Luke and my mom that so I wouldn’t have to deal with them, John and Andrew I mean. Ever since Luke and I came out as a couple to the school, they’ve been bothering me. I mean, everyone else seemed to be okay with it, why not them? I walked into the bathroom, taking my self-image’ in the mirror. Luke always told me I was beautiful, but why now is it so hard for me to believe him?
I was just tired of it, tired of everything. Life seemed to just be getting duller by the second. Lifeless. Broken, it left me feeling. I’ve never told Luke about my dark secret past, my lost habits that have seemed to come back. I couldn’t tell him though. what would he think of me if I did? so I just kept to myself.
Feeling the urge to feel the sharp metal against my skin, I reached for the cabinets. Pulling out my razors. The only one I’ve ever told about my habit was my best friend Isaiah, but he moved away last year, and apparently he didn’t want to keep touch.
I’ve tried learning ways to cope with my problems, to face them... but every time I try, I hear the negative voices screaming just a bit louder than the mere positive ones.
Sighing, I placed the cold shard against my skin and dragged it across, reopening the slits that were begging to fade to a close. The pain doesn’t faze me anymore, it actually feels good. Feels good to blame myself for not being perfect. Blame myself for not fitting the standards of the average 16 year old boy.
Everyone thinks I’m happy, I guess that’s all that matters anyway. As long as no one knows, I think I’ll be okay.
I turned on the faucet, letting the water run until it was at a warm temperature mark. I placed my wrist under the water, cleansing off the fresh cuts. Soon wrapping them up in gauze and bandages.
Pulling down my sleeve, and walking back to my bedroom.
I glanced at my phone, seeing the notification button lit up. I grinned, seeing that I had a text from Luke.
*text*
Luke: I’m gonna come by later to take care of you :)
Ash: okay idiot. AND STOP TEXTING IN CLASS!
Luke: (t^_^)
I lay back, burying my head in my pillow, a smile pressing the corner of my lips. Luke always has that effect on me, to make me smile when I feel down. He makes me feel like I actually matter in this world... that I’m wanted.
*~*~*~*~**~*~*~ that night~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
My eyes groggily fluttered open. I waited for my vision to clear up, before I attempted to sit up. As I was trying to sit up, I realized that pair of arms were lazily thrown around me. I looked down to see none other than Luke, snuggled up into my side, arms around me and one leg thrown around my waist. I giggled at his resemblance to a koala bear, all warm and cozy.
“Lukey” I called, gently shaking his side. He stirred, but never opened his eyes to meet mine. “Luke.” I called again, this time his eyes shuddered open and he smiled at the sight of me. “Hi.” He said, I smiled at him, trying to squirm from his grasp. “Where’ya going?” he slurred, sleep still present in his voice along with his eyes. Of course, I couldn’t tell him that I was going to change the gauze on my bloody wrist, what type of interrogation would I get from that.
“I have to pee.” I lied. He nodded his head, and I wormed my way from his embrace. Trailing off to the bathroom, I quickly changed the gauze and returned back to my room to see Luke on his phone. “Hey, I just asked my mom if I could stay the night. Is that okay?” I nodded happily. “Maybe, Michael and Calum can come over too?” I suggested. He nodded and then texted them to come over, and order some pizza.
“So what do you wanna do?” he asked me, pulling me into his lap once I sat beside him. I shrugged and laid my head on his shoulder. “What’s wrong?” I shrugged again, and he tilted my face up so I would meet his eyes. “Nothing. M’just tired.” He searched my eyes for any type of emotion, before looking away. He then laid me down and kissed my forehead. “You get some rest then. Do you want me to stay with you?” I shook my head and he nodded.
Just then, we heard a knock on the front door and Luke was racing down to get it. “I’ll be right back!” I heard him call, just after he exited the room.
No more than 6 minutes later, Luke, Calum and Michael busted in my room screaming and laughing. I sat upright, rubbing my eyes.
“Shit, you guys woke him up.” Luke scolded, slapping Michael and Calum harshly on their arms. They just shrugged. “I wasn’t asleep.” Yes I was. I said, blinking my eyes so my vision would clear. “Sorry about that.” I nodded as Michael and Calum tackled me on my bed.
I winced as Calum’s shoulder jabbed against my wrist. He stopped all his movement abruptly as he noticed my face screwed up in pain. “Sorry, did I hurt your arm?” he asked, reaching out to grab my hand. I ripped my hand from his reach, wrapping it behind my back before it could come in contact with his. “No, no I’m fine. I just-” “What?” by now everyone’s attention was on me and Calum. Luke stood in the door frame with one eyebrow raised.
Being in the heat of everyone’s demanding stares made me nervous. I had never liked to be the center of anyone’s attention, except for Luke’s of course. The silence was deadly and I was tried with interrogated glances. Feeling my eyes water, I wiped away an escaped tear that had now fallen down my cheek. And I sniffled quietly as I placed my face in my hands, shaking my head rapidly.
“Hey,” I was suddenly embraced with secure arms wrapping around my waist and the voice of Luke telling Michael and Calum to go downstairs. They quickly obliged and exited the room.
There was a comfortable silence for a couple of seconds before Luke spoke up. “Ashy, what’s wrong?” he asked. After I didn’t respond, I felt my chin being lifted up and I soon met the eyes of my worried boyfriend. “Is something bothering you?”
I didn’t hesitate to nod my head and he pulled me closer to his chest, asking me to explain. “I-I’m sorry.” He furrowed his eyebrows, asking for clarification for what I was actually sorry about. Sighing deeply I grabbed the hem of my sleeve and slowly pulled it up. Revealing the deep fresh cuts that stalked my wrist.
I looked to him for reaction; his eyes were a mix of hurt and confusion while his mouth was slightly agape and his heartbeat had increased. More tears tracked my face and I stood making a run for the door. Before I could make any steps for it, a pair of arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me back down.
I fell into them, and he turned me around so I was facing him. I buried my face in his chest, so I could avoid his gaze. “Why?” was all he asked before I then heard him break down into a river of cries. His grip around me strengthened as if he were angry, but he wasn’t. It was more of a protection vibe radiating.
“Ashton, you mean the world to me. Why would you ever do this to your beautiful self. You’re worth so much, and I could never imagine anything that would make you want to do this.” He choked out. Immediately I felt guilty, wishing to disappear and never make an appearance on the face of this earth again.
“I’m sor-” he put his finger up to my lips, hushing me in them. “Shhh baby, it’s okay. I’ve got you. I won’t let anything like this ever happen to you again, okay? If you ever feel sad or unwanted, please come talk to me before you ever do anything like this. I’m always up to listen and I’ll always be there for you okay?” I nodded shyly and he bent down to kiss my forehead.
“M’gonna as mikey and cal to go home, okay?” I nodded and he untangled himself from me, and walked out the door.
Minutes later he came back, embracing me in his arms once more. He snuggled me into his chest and I felt myself drifting.
These habits weren’t new to me. And I already knew that I probably wouldn’t be stopping right away or maybe even anytime soon. But as long as Luke was by my side, I think will make It through just fine.
