train wreck ✓

fifty-four.

it'd officially been a month since miles left.

and to get me out of wallowing on that depressing day, travis and i went to a party in which we both got high off our asses and ended up making out in some guy's room which seemed to have been ransacked by horny skaters.

and i was numb.

i was so far from caring about the fact that he didn't care about me when his hands slipped down my back and he traced the dimples on my sides. and even as much as i tried to lose myself in the moment, i couldn't help but feel apologetic. brown hair flashed before my eyes but was gone in a nanosecond.

it wasn't healthy. it wasn't healthy to continue to think about miles when travis was in such a state and it wasn't healthy when travis collapsed beside me.

especially when he started breathing heavily both of our tops off as we laid side by side, staring at the ceiling.

and he was apologizing profusely as he refused to continue.

and then he started laughing.

not a little happy chuckle either but laughter as if he were choking back his sadness, "we're both broken, aren't we? look at you, you were about to sleep with a guy you've known for a week and i'm falling apart over something i can't control."

i didn't know what he was talking about, he was rambling as his laughter had faded making me wonder if i'd imagined it, "i'm not fine and i'm violent and depressed and crazy and broken and wasted and i won't find closure until the guy who caused this is lying dead in a ditch but i know he didn't mean it. i'm just too..."

i heard him sigh as he closed his eyes, "i'm just too tired of not being in control of anything."