Finding myself

Chapter 103

I always thought the rage was a part of me that I shared with my wolf. But I suppose it wasn't.  It was only something that part of my mind felt. And now that the influence had pulled away I could think clearer. I was finally getting out of a role I had no choice but to play. She seemed to have realized this and wouldn't talk to me. The pains of having someone read your mind I tell you.

I remembered back at the time when I had felt normal like this last. It was before the premature shift before my wolf forced her way through. Her trauma was stromger than mine. Because she had to deal with her mate's rejection the moment she came to. Or maybe that's why she came so early. Of course, it doesn't mean that I forgave Blaze. I just felt enough was enough with the fighting. I no longer supported the violence.

And I knew Zian could sense the shift in my thoughts so she religiously stayed away. As if it would be better to never confront me at all. I had tried approaching her several times. But she just pushed me out albeit gently since she knew I was still a bit fragile even in my mind. That gave me hope. She still cared.

But she wouldn't talk to me. As if she couldn't fix it. Whatever the poison was, when it severed the connection between me and my wolf, it had also severed her influence on me. She could feel my determination to see her contained, considering her as dangerous. Considering her as the monster that had plagued me all this time. Zian was the dark monster within me. And now that I knew what it was I could keep it contained better. I could feel her hurt and disappointment at that. She is a part of my life and I did love her but I couldn't let her run berserk.

She shut me out completely when she realized this. Choosing to settle in a dark corner of my mind she claimed her own. I knew her rage was the part of me that loved myself, but it still didn't seem like a good enough excuse. Not anymore.

I even tried teasing her about her concern for me and her fear that I would leave her alone and die. Usually, she would be provoked by that. But this time she just turned away and stayed mute. It was a bit concerning. I suppose it was hard to differentiate her emotions from my own when had just woken up. I had felt similarly then.

Usually, it's the human half that held dominance over the wolf. When the wolf took dominance (especially during short plights of emotion) it's called going berserk. Everyone goes berserk once in a while when they feel strong emotions and their wolf takes over. Mine had just lasted longer. For years. Without my knowledge. I was so used to it, I couldn't even notice which part of me was me and which of me was her.

I felt like I was waking up from a pre-mediated role. Like I was feeling the things I was supposed to feel. But I wished I still could back to it, the ignorance, the rage, and the selfishness. Out of the blood lust and hunger for power. Like I could feel empathy again. The horror at everything I had done was washing back onto me. The shame, the pain, the guilt. Zian had whined at that. Such things made her uncomfortable. She had never had to deal with such emotions. She had shut me out completely after that. All I knew was that she was glad I wasn't dead; not completely for unselfish reasons though. She knew she would lose her intelligence and become normal if I died. That was all I could tell.

I sighed.

It was like something had pulled me to do wrong and I couldn't help myself. It was cowardly to just put all the blame on my wolf though. I had let it get that bad. Let it fester when I should have been helping her.

I felt like this was why I was supposed to be if situations were different. If Blaze had accepted me if it wasn't for the pre-mature shift. If it wasn't for my wolf.

I felt like I had finally found myself. Or what was left of it. Atlas one good thing had come out from the poison.

And mostly I could feel my bond with Blaze clearer than ever, his memories and thoughts flowed into me seamlessly. And he kept the bond always open. But I couldn't reciprocate. Because of the guilt, the shame at everything I had done.

And I finally understood what the gang represented to me. They were my support system. A sort of Luna's legion if you will.

Every alpha luna team had an intimate team who were their first in command. Their first team to call and rely on. And that's what the gang was to me. That's why we had a strong bind. And I had a feeling Raven was at the head of it. Since the bond, I had felt to her was stronger than everyone else's. Not like what I had with Blaze, we could not feel each and every emotion but it was still a close second.

They had all accepted me so warmly when I came to. I had felt tears prickling my eyes but I had blinked it away. Stacy even commented that I laughed unreservedly now. That they were glad to see me like this. And Amelia, my best friend. She had recognized it in my eyes when she saw me. I had apologized for everything I had done like electrocuting her mate. They forgave me. Even Hails looked more relaxed around me. That was a good sign.

I had talked to each and every one of them and apologized for everything wrong I had done. Especially Jason. He had cried at that. And then I teased him about Jem and that was that.

I even apologized to Jem for everything. She just gave me a tight smile and told me she forgave me but I couldn't bring myself to believe her. I can't expect to fix everything with everyone in one go after all.

I felt like I could laugh easier now. I would feel my mom or dad or even Blaze stare at me as if they couldn't believe my change. I supposed I couldn't believe it either.

Blaze would blush and look away whenever I caught his eye. He did that a lot now. It was cute.

And I smiled encouragingly at mom. I was yet to talk and clear the air between my parents and Blaze. I didn't forgive them yet. But I could begin the process now. After everything I put them through, they deserved it.

I have even had a long, long, long talk with Zarine who made me promise not to 'pull a stunt like that'. Considering he was my guardian just like Raven if not with a stronger bond, I would have teased him too. But something told me tats the last thing he needed to hear.

To be honest, everyone was surprised at my shift. How easily I laughed and teased and how quick I was to apologize for what I put them through. They told me they were happy that I was alive and to forget everything. That's the luna's legion for you. I still cringed at my naming. I needed to come up with a better name than that atleast.

Blaze somehow seemed more protective and possessive now but still respectful of my wishes. He would leave me alone to talk with them if I asked. Even alone with the males even though I knew he was stewing inside. His ears will be plastered to the door probably. I was amused at that. He was like a lovesick pup.

We needed to talk soon. I was shocked when he had asked me if I had tried to kill myself because of him. Oh, that must be the guilt he carried. I felt sorry for him. His poor soul. That must have been some burden! I regretted the words I spoke to him in that cell, I shouldn't have told him that of all things.

I felt like everything was coming into perspective finally. But the darkness and uncertainty still lurked a the back of my mind. The war. I needed to confess to them. And I would, as soon as I was ready. I just wanted to enjoy this peace for a while longer. I couldn't anticipate their reaction. Will they be angry? Will they leave me? Probably. Now that I was able to think clearer, I could see the possibilities were endless and I was concerned about the outcome too.

I shook my head out of it. Soon. I will tell them soon. I had to. I will have one last day of peace before everything went nuts around me again.