Sarah Paulson One Shots

I Vowed ~C.G

a vent. :')

TW- Eating Disorder.
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Cordelia Goode. A woman of kind words and gestures. A lady of class and gentleness. She could fix anything with a few "honey" or "sweethearts" and a back rub here and there. But this, was far from her help. Even though, she vowed through sickness and health.
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2am. A clock above the mirror read. You sat on the cold tiles of the bathroom trying to maintain your tears to a minimum. Waking Cordelia wasnt hard to do. Especially if she heard you crying. A simple sniffle in the night, and there she was by your side making sure you were okay. Even if it was just allergies.

She shouldn't have to deal with your issues. Right? A married couple goes through everything together. Even if it hurts the both of them. But you didnt want to. You didnt want to hurt or burden the blonde with every inconvenience that was held upon you. Especially this one...
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It was all coming back. Starting last month. The voices came back telling you, dont you do it. Dont eat that. You had enough today. One or two meals with  portions getting smaller each time, was almost "crossing the line."

Youd excuse yourself from the dinner table with barley a dent made in your plate. Cordelia would notice your leg bouncing up and down or tapping your finger tips on the table when the food was pushed in front of you. Delia's attempts at calming your anxiety; putting her hand on yours or your thigh to stop the panic. Little did she know it only made it worse.

You didnt want to be touched. Even by the one who cared and loves you the most; no matter your perception of yourself. She'd tell you at night, "I love you." while she turned off the bed side lamp before wrapping an arm around your torso and whispering "you're beautiful. Good night my love." In your ear.

She knew exactly what was going on. Of course the blonde didn't approach you about it just yet. After all you didnt seem so defeated in her eyes. She forgot how well you could hide your emotions.
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This was your own battle to fight. You've done it once with Cordelias help of course, but you could see the pain and exhaustion in her eyes each day that it got worse. At the time, it was the hardest relapse that you've had to recover from. All she wanted was for you to get better. And you did.

But now, as you curl up on the tile floor you sob to yourself worried that you might not get through this one. A soft knock brought your focus back to reality. "Y/N? Are you okay?" The sweet voice of your angel rang through your ears. You gave a nod to the door and a sniff, still trying to cover up the only emotion that seemed to peak through.

    "I'm coming in." The door knob turned slightly. Cordelia peaked her head through slowly easing her body in the room. Watching the sight in front of her. Oh how she just wanted to hold you in her arms and tell you it was all going to be okay. But even the supreme herself had doubts.

"Can I touch you?" Those words were familiar. You always found comfort when she asked in her soft quiet tone. But would the voices allow it? Would they let you agree to physical contact due to your perception of yourself. Not perfect. Afraid that whoever was near, would think your gross.

You lifted your head slightly from your palms, meeting the blondes gentle eyes. She too was becoming glassy. Seeing you in distress or pain hurt her more then anything. Cordelia slid down next to you. Taking your hand and pulling your broken frame into her lap, resting your head on her chest.

"Make it stop." You cried. Cordelia's hand made it's way to the back of your head pushing you closer to her. "Please." you were desperate for a release. You didn't want to be dead or hurt yourself, more so float. Float away until everything was all better. "I know sweetheart. I wish I could."

Cordelia's tears fell down her cheeks onto your hands that rested on her shoulder blade. She waited for your cries to turn into soft whimpers. "Shh it's alright. I'm here." The blonde cooed, drawing patterns up and down your arms.

    "I'm sorry." You confessed just above a whisper, she almost didn't hear your words but thanks to the dead silence of the night. "Honey look at me." Cordelia's fingertips gently lifted up your chin creating eye contact between you two.

    "Last spring, you walked down the aisle and I vowed to love you. Sickness and Health. Better or worse. Sweetheart I love you with my entire being ." Her hands had inched themselves to your cheeks and her thumbs wipped your tearstained face. "We have gotten through it before. We'll do it again. Don't be sorry for something you can't help."

    With your head now leaned against Cordelia's chest listening to her heartbeat. A sound that seemed to come as a comfort. Her hand returned to the back of your head as she kissed the top.

    "You don't have to worry. I'm here."

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-wow I'm actually being productive on here. Not really I still have a list of requests...to write :') -I'll try to get one done v soon I just need to know how to start it.