What if I ain't no violinist?

158. Twoset La Mort

"Oh Eddy, you're just saying that to make me wear black !!"

Eddy peered through his fingers. Brett was pouting. Eddy let out a little groan.

"Brett.. look, I really want to help you. And I mean that in a way not to just compliment you about your outfit but more so that your suspension is lifted and that you don't become frickin' unemployed...!!"

"Okay, okay, I get it. I'm sorry.."

"Look, your HR even said you could wear grey. Would you consider that? I mean, it would have to be a dark grey, but nevertheless grey.. not pitch black."

"Really? I could work with that."

"Now I'm warning you though. You have to promise me that there's not gonna be any attempts to wriggle through loopholes.. like I don't want you wearing grey fabric that has some silver thread weaved through and stuff. No fancy modifications!"

"Oh Eddy, that sounds fabulous..!!"

"OMFG Brett!! Do you ever listen to a complete sentence of anything I say !??"

"Um... well I've been told that I have selective hearing..."

Eddy sighed.

"Look Brett, for what it's worth, I think these uniform regulations aren't as important as getting the actual job done."

"I wholeheartedly agree Eddy. Have you seen my stats?"

"Yes, admin is baffled. You are the most successful Dea.. I mean, La Mort in our transitional world. You have a 100% transition rate, none left in limbo. These are incredible statistics."

"Yeah that's cos I prep them."

Eddy furrowed his brows.

"I.. beg your pardon?"

"I go see them a bit before their D-day and consult them on how they want to plan their ending."

"YOU DO WHAT !?!?"

"You see, that's the main reason why I don't like wearing all black and I don't lug around that stupid company-issued scythe. I mean, who's not gonna sh*t their pants if someone dressed in black appeared by your bedside with a frickin' scythe? I'd say even I would've soiled my pants and I work in the industry!!"

Eddy kept taking deep breaths.

"Okay.. okay Brett.. just back up for me please.. so you were saying.. I'm not gonna even bother questioning you about you being reported for leaving your scythe in your office locker, what's this thing you do about consulting them about their ending..? So you actually go and see them before you swing down your scythe.. oh f*ck so you don't even have it with you to swing down at the crucial moment !!!!"

"Oh that's just all for show anyway. Only show-off-wankers like swinging that thing around."

"...Brett.. Brett.. so the consultation that you do?"

"Yeah, so I tell them their time is almost up and that they need to have a good think about what they wanna do before they go. Many of them lose the plot momentarily, but when you talk it through with them, like really talk to them, they conclude that it's better to accept fate and work towards a good ending. All my clients have said that they were glad I visited them rather than some all-in-black scythe-swinging wanker."

Eddy gazed up to the ceiling in exasperation.

"Brett.. look, while your methods are unorthodox, to say the least..  I actually don't see any direct breach of .. industrial protocol..  and ..I can't believe I'm saying this.. but it seems to be working well..."

"I'm telling ya Eddy, if HR didn't hate me so much, I would've been awarded highest productivity 5 years running since I started with them..!! But instead, I'm always on bloody suspension!!"

"Brett.. yes.. I know.  I mean, you come and see me more than anyone else.."

"Oh but Eddy, that's because you're so nice. Most of you lot are a bunch of know-it-alls that tell me what to do. You, Eddy, on the other hand, are a great listener.  You're actually the only appointment that I keep. You are so good at your job Eddy."

Eddy was momentarily speechless.

"Um.. thank you Brett, that really makes my job as a careers consultant worthwhile.. it's just that I must not be very good at my job if you keep getting in trouble and get sent back to me?"

"Oh no, don't feel bad about that. I can explain. You see, I don't show up to any of my other appointments and they're onto me. They must have looked up all my previous intervention appointments and noticed that I only come to yours, so now they slap me onto your books whenever I'm in trouble."

"I... see..."

Somebody help me, please.

It seemed Eddy was now stuck with the most problematic employee in the transitional world.