Diary of a teenage b**** | ✔

Fifty-Eight

I don't want to make this seem like the whole weight loss journey was so easy and brisk, making it seem like no time had passed and I just lost the weight , miraculously maintained this weight I had subconsciously idealized and just like that the fat problem as well as all my other insecurity issues had been eradicated

Just thought I'd clarify that it was in no way easy, and id even go as far as to express on how loosing this weight was by far one of the worst things I had ever endured

Not because it was hard and nearly impossible to achieve, but simply because I went the wrong way about it, doing it exactly like I did most things:

By replacing one toxic obsession with another

Yes, as you can see this is a continuous cycle for me

And with all my past obsessions there were always one thing driving this obsession, with Luke it was the approval and awe of everyone else that anchored me to Luke, with cutting it was the fact that ability not to feel just because I decided I didn't want to, and with Tyler it was the fact that I believed I could make him love me by being what I thought he wanted in a girl

And now the weight loss driving force: the validation and hopes that being skinny would deem me attractive and desirable

Yes, I'm ware this is faulty thinking on my end, but it was getting the job done

Despite the fact that because I hadn't leant balance with the whole weight loss thing, by skipping on meals, exercising till my body shook and my muscles ached, just so that I could do it all over again

I knew no other way, why was I complaining again? Wasn't this what I wanted? To be skinny?

So this method of losing weight consisted of me either eating next to nothing practically starving myself and in turn id feel cranky and dehydrated, or I binge-ate, consuming so much that one way or other I'd find myself in the bathroom ether shitting my entire internal body anatomy or puking my guts out into the toilet bowl

Let me be clear this method of losing weight is also torture on your body, because this process ensures that your body be taken on one hell of a rollercoaster where you constantly find yourself testing the limits of your body

Clearly my biggest problem wasn't interchanging unhealthy obsessions with even worse alternatives, it was balance, I didn't know a thing called balance, there was never any balance for me and it drove me mad; I loved too much, felt too much; hurt too much, ate too much, or ate too little, exercised too much, exercised too little...

You get it

_________

Wren and I concluded our trip in Spain by spontaneously deciding that we would go back home before new year's and live out the remaining few hours of the year at our humble New york home

By the time Wren and I's holiday had come to an end, I had lost quite a bit of weight and was sort of exited to go back and get everyone's reactions back at home to the new improved Idaliah. The initial plan pre our impromptu decision to fly back home before the new year had been; that Wren and I were to head back the second week after new year's, which meant we'd have the full new year's eve experience in La Moraleja and then return to our humble abode the following week

But the Spain glamour had begun to wear off and Wren and were ready to go back home to our uniquely mundane lifestyle, as there was only so much fun and craziness you could have until you got tired of it all and were ready to call it a night

Or an end, end of a trip at least

So Dad called to let mom know beforehand that Wren and I were coming home early, mom said that it wouldn't be a problem and that she had actually left the house keys with the neighbor Ms. Brown as she along with Hubert and Frank had decided to treat themselves to a little weekend getaway and that they'd be back in the new year