Diary of a teenage b**** | ✔

Forty

I have always known that the only thing teenage boys really ever wanted from a girl was to satisfy their own desires, which no matter how you look at it boys wanted one thing from you: to use you.

And boys were smart about it they knew the girl would give you everything you wanted if you gave her what she wanted in turn: affection. And they'd be willing to give out anything so long as it brought them closer to what they really wanted at the end

So how did a girl ensure that she would not be used by a boy? Or that she was not just fooled into falling in love with someone who did not in the slightest love her back

How you ask? If a boy really loved you, - he would marry you, - at least according to what I had grown to believe, that if you wanted someone to really respect and cherish you properly you should get married, because marriage was the indication that the love interest you were currently entangled with could be trusted with your heart

And yes I wanted to be loved, I felt wanted by Luke but never loved by him which was also why I thought that if I had sex with him he would want me so much more that it would turn into love

Maybe I needed therapy

I wanted to be loved properly and wholeheartedly, and maybe I wanted the boy to be consumed with love for me, but I wasn't interested in the whole marriage aspect of things

So would that mean no one would ever love me the way I wanted to be loved because I didn't want to get married

Did that mean that Luke did not love me because he didn't want to marry me?

I'm not going to lie I didn't want to be married either but I wanted to be loved and looked at as beautiful, maybe this whole relationship with Luke was a stunt to boost my self-esteem

In the past I have asked mom to explain her analogy as to why she thought the only way you could be treated properly by a man depended on whether he wanted to be joined to you in holy matrimony, and I had argued that when girls don't want to marry guys either that didn't affect the level of respect the girl had for the guy

But mom had the sheer ability to listen to you without taking a word you have said as if her opinions had always been the one and only true opinion that should seize to exist

I didn't press on, didn't try harder to make her understand because to mom as long as I was a kid and she was my parent my opinion was null and void

Mom thought girls who dated were dumb and made themselves cheap by doing so, she said boys who dated instead of getting married had the same mindset; ''why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?''

The whole cow/milk thing had been relatively far from my mind for the whole duration of being with Luke, well at least up till now, while I was sitting in class watching the raindrops rolling down the window, the further they rolled down the bigger the raindrop got because of all the water it collected along the way

It didn't feel like that with Luke, I would know if I was being used wouldn't i? I thought i felt relatively happy, as happy as anyone could make me

Our relationship was normal, recently though we had been limited to quick kisses passed in private at school when we were absolutely sure we wouldn't get caught , - which might I add was nearly impossible, so the kisses weren't that frequent, and neither of us were willing to risk our education for a relationship because quite frankly Danbury was pretty strict and if there were any evidence that supported the fact that we were doing provocative things on school grounds, they'd expel us immediately no warning no suspension, no meeting with our parents, just expulsion, and recently mom's strict meter had gone up again, and Wren and I weren't really allowed out, mom said we were going out too much, and should be spending more time on things that actually mattered in life, because friends were temporary