Diary of a teenage b**** | ✔

Fifty

Finals were approaching rapidly, and I had filled out every application form for every university I could possibly think of, all my application forms were missing now was my final exams marks and a certificate to prove that I had successfully passed

Last year when I had done senior year for the first time the possibility had never occurred to me that I could fail, but now from a view point where I now knew that it were possible to fail all I could do was stress and think about the; what if I didn't make it?

My mental health probably wouldn't have been able to deal with that

Although I had filled out all these applications for a variety of different career choices, I had no idea what I wanted to do, and it had begun to overwhelm me because the future was getting closer and I still didn't know what I wanted or where I wanted to head to

Sure when I was a kid I knew exactly what I wanted to do, when I wanted to be married even the amount of children I wanted, it was easy then to make these decision because there want really a threat of these things happening tomorrow just because I said it, it was easy because the future was far

I knew a lot of people who used what they wanted to be as kids a guide to help them navigate which career or path they'd like to go down, it didn't seem like a bad idea to do the same only becoming a princess wasn't exactly in the odds for me

Up till last year I was hell bent on doing something in the medical field, but now things weren't so clear to me, sure medicine and health was interesting but not interesting enough that it sparked this passion in me

And one thing I would hate for myself would be regretting what I had chosen

So for now I didn't know

I knew Wren was applying too because he asked me to forward him the links of a few universities and colleges, I didn't ask where he was thinking of applying or what he had in mind because things had become sort of strained between the two of us, more than it had ever been, which sucked but also provided with me with another reason to streak my forearm with more wounds

The rift between me and Wren started the beginning of senior year 02, I couldn't even blame it on Brittany because it would just be cruel too

People grew apart and it sucked when it happened, and I knew it would happen I just didn't expect it to happen like this

It happened with Tully too, only when Tully stopped talking to me she sort of took that little popularity I had with her, of course it was easy for her to make new friends I'd see her in the hallways and we'd smile at each other as we passed but never more than that

On the other hand making new friends for me ....let's just say was not as easy

And like I've mentioned before; the problem with no major conflict driving two parties apart, there was no reason to blame or think about how you could have prevented it all, instead you're left to think about whether or not there is there something in you that is so ugly and retched that people can't just stop to seem leaving you

It was no new news that I felt like crap, I rarely found myself wanting to speak to people, couldn't even find the energy to smile, and had then pretty much only resorted to wallowing, feeling crap about myself and allowing the situation get progressively worse as I convinced myself that I was depressed

Still might be

A year ago when I had played for one of Danbury's board members events my performance had been a hit which had led to my popularity amongst Danbury staff and other board member's. Which meant; I was first choice for every event or function that required a piano performance. Danbury even wanted me to partake in competitions that would definitely provide both Danbury and I with rewards and exposure, - and I swear I would have done it, I would have even smoked weed to keep the edge off if need be, but it never got to that because for some reason I kept messing everything up, which forced Danbury to reconsider and eventually retrieve all offers they had previously pitched to me

I promise I wasn't trying to mess it up, I didn't even know why I was messing things up so horrendously, the only thing I could come up with was; my self-esteem had always been low,- it was no secret but the last few months I would say was when the real plummet really happened, and all of a sudden I had confidence in nothing, neither my given abilities

It was like I was rooting for my own failure, and in turn I kept failing and messing up then feeling crap about being useless

Yes the same old teen angst cycle

I'm not admitting to being a dramatic teen, because I can assure you when these things had been happening in my life it felt like it was at the worst part of my life

And I knew good always came after bad, and maybe my good was supposed to come after this

But I couldn't help but think what if this was my bad, and my bad was just getting started, which meant things were only going to get worse from here

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Finals came to an end and all everyone thought about doing was having these parties, parties I knew I wouldn't be able to go to like I had been not allowed to go to for most of my life because of the parents I had

And I knew mom might be a bit lenient as I had just passed exams for the second time, but for the first time I didn't want to go out. At least not now, exams had been so stressful that I hadn't even been thinking about my results which I probably should have been

I was just really fucking tired

You guessed it, I slept, and never had I appreciated sleep so much than I did then

Because when I tell you I slept – I freaking slept

I didn't get out of bed for a long time, and when I did get out it wasn't by choice, I had to get out of bed because I could no longer blame my 'tired-ness' on the fact that exams had made me so exhausted

By then I wasn't spending so much time in bed because I was tired I just didn't want to get out neither face anything

Mom couldn't exactly scold me; she had nothing to scold me for I went about doing my chores and daily tasks, -lifelessly of course. But I did them

All I did for the first two weeks after graduation was breathe, eat, sleep, and repeat

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I heard mom ask Wren to speak to me one day, and he had asked; ''why me?''

I won't lie, his question hurt because it made me question whether I was such a vile creature that he didn't want to see me

''Wren, just check in on her, the two of you used to be so close when you were younger- '' mom said, stating her reason as to why she thought Wren should speak to me

''younger mom, keyword 'younger', people grow up'' Wren answered so matter of factly that tears spurt from my eyes, and I didn't stop crying until my arm was numb from the relentless pain I put it through and my eyes felt so raw from all the crying

To say in the least Wren didn't come speak to me like mom had suggested