Diary of a teenage b**** | ✔

Forty-Four

I expected the rest of the James clan to migrate back to their home in La Moraleja, Madrid, in Spain after Grandma Lucy's funeral, burial, and memorial including all the other acts and services that was usually attributed with death, but they hadn't. Instead dad, Carla, Samuel and the twins stayed in town up till the beginning of senior year

By then harry and Aaron had gone back to campus and dad had switched temporary living arrangements from the hotel in the city to our house

The most part of the break we had spent rekindling our relationship indoors, I didn't think it was by choice for Samuel, Jaden and Braden but because of the winter chill it sort of narrowed down their options for fun, as they had spent a god amount of time in the warm climate of Spain I could only imagine that the chilly weather was an adjustment for them

Mom and dad seemed to be getting on fine too, and daresay they might have even been having a good time catching up and all that and it warmed my heart so much so that for a moment in time I wished time would stand still

Some nights I went to bed with new red jagged lines on my forearm, sometimes I didn't. I know to any onlooker or bystander I seem like the typical melodramatic teenager who doesn't really know struggles, I don't know maybe I was, all I knew was as soon as those words had left Samuel's mouth it had stirred up memories and emotions that I had no idea where they had originated from but had clearly been occupying my brain for quite some time

It was just like I had locked all the ugly away and now someone else had broken the box and everything just came spilling out. This doesn't make sense I'm aware, so allow me to clarify

When we were kids were so unapologetically ourselves we couldn't be bothered by other people's opinions of us, because we honestly couldn't care less, I don't know the scientifical reason for this, I just knew I didn't care that Katrina thought I had a big head, or that aunt Fran thought I talked a lot

What I did know was that when I was child I had been immune to all this, and maybe it was societal standards that had changed this in me, or the fact that I could only take so much until I was unable to take anymore

Because all of a sudden, Katrina's comment had made me aware of my head and aunt Fran's comment had made me wary of opening my mouth in public areas

Which was exactly what was happening now, people have commented on my weight, girls making fun of my behind because it was bigger than a few other girls in the classroom, back when having a big bum wasn't cool and sexy but just a flaw that you could have remedied

And I'd laughed it off, and I switched out some of the items in my closet for some baggier, bigger choices, but never like this

Never to an extent where I found myself constantly visiting interchangeably the past and present, highlighting all the things I deemed fundamentally wrong with me

Up till now

And like I said I didn't do well with conflict, which was why I wasn't quite giving up on the....

Only when Wren and I were getting ready for our first day back at school, had dad realized that they had overstayed their visit and that if school was starting for us most likely school would be starting for the boys too

So dad said he'd be gone on the next flight with the promise of returning again in the near future due to the fact that he didn't want us to have to grow up without each other in our lives

A bit too late for that now

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I had first day of school jitters, and Wren's constant not-so-discreet glances was doing nothing but contribute to the growing anxiety