Diary of a teenage b**** | ✔

Forty-Three

After Dinner when everyone cleared up and the adults were having adult conversations, Wren Frank and I left the table to sit in the lounge

''get me more dessert please'' Frank begged Wren

Wren laughed

''what do I look like to you, get your ass up and go get your own dessert'' Wren responded

''but I already had three cups, mom won give me more'' Frank whined

''tough'' Wren stated

Frank pulled his face and undoubtedly went back to the able to try and steal another dessert off the table

''you okay?'' Wren asked looking over to me

I nodded absentmindedly

I heard dad tell Jayden, Braden and Samuel to bond and talk to me, I didn't want to bond with them, neither did I want them to try and bond with me

They came over and planted themselves almost strategically throughout the room

I felt Wren look at me but say nothing, instead he focused his efforts on making conversation with the people who sat across from me that shared nothing with me besides the same birth parents

''what subjects have you chosen in school'' Wren asked the twins

''business, and arts'' Braden answered

''why, are you interested in going into something in that field?'' Wren enquired politely

''no, he just took all the easiest subjects because he is lazy'' Jayden answered for him

They continued to talk, while Samuel relentlessly tapped away at his phone uninterested in anything and everything else besides his IPhone

Clearly dad didn't have the same no-phone-rules as mom

I looked at the boy sitting across from me, and thought back to how he and I were the closest out of all my brothers and now we... weren't

Samuel eventually looked up after what felt like hours of continuous texting

''you have gotten quite fat'' was the first words he had uttered, aimed directly at me

Everyone went quite

Jaden and Braden burst out laughing

''I was thinking the same thing'' Braden admitted ''but didn't want to be rude'' He finished

Too late now

I laughed with, and joined in on the teasing, I mean what other choices I had; it was either that or be a bitch and cry about it

I noticed Wren looking at me with this look that I couldn't describe and for that I hated the look

''what do they feed you here?'' Jayden asked ''I've actually been trying to bulk up''

''everything, that's the problem'' I said, and they laughed

________

All things considered the night could have gone worse, Samuel asked for my number and I told him I don't have a phone, he laughed and mocked while Jaden agreed that, that was the worst possible fate

I said my greetings and they said they had fun after all, which touched my heart because my brothers thought I was fun

In my opinion being complimented by your siblings was the most elite out of all compliments you could get

And then after that I went to my room and sat butt naked in front of the mirror and cried

I have always known I wasn't exactly skinny, Tully said I was thick and maybe she had lied because she was my friend, and she had known exactly what to say to boost my self-esteem, and then I just gone around thinking I wasn't fat I was just thick, but maybe I wasn't thick anymore because there is a fine lie between thick and fat, and I think I had crossed the line long ago

Maybe I was the reason Luke didn't love me properly because I wasn't beautiful or skinny, or why Wren was treating me this new way because I was fat

I was one fat ugly waste of space

That was the day I stopped seeing myself as thick, instead I saw myself as what I was: just fucking fat

I cried, until I hurt so much, that I cried more, and this might sound so strange, but it was like I wanted to cry more

On my dresser there was this blade cartridge of one of Hubert's razor blades, that he had bought the wrong cartridge, so he pretty much had no use for it, he had thrown it out and I had taken it and out of boredom I had removed the blades from the cartridge till they were merely just blades

It was almost as if god had sent me this anticipating this exact moment in my life

The blades were extremely sharp, the kind of sharp that it wouldn't even hurt until you saw it had caused damage

I don't know what came over me or why I did it, I just knew I couldn't stop crying and couldn't stop hurting

Call me dramatic but my brother's approval meant everything to me

I drew the blade across my skin