Diary of a teenage b**** | ✔

Thirty-Five

That very Monday when we went back to school, during first period Mr. Jefferson pulled me out of class to inform me that a few of the schools music sponsors were arriving later on in the day and that he wanted me to play for them, I nearly fainted

The sponsors checked in every couple of months, Danbury I imagined would demand a lot of money, and if I were paying as much on a high school I sure as hell would have liked to see where I'm putting my money into, the thing was it wasn't that big of a deal, sponsors coming over was not a rare occurrence, it's just solo performances usually were awarded to kids who had the highest status, or parents were donating the most at functions, and solo performances were always scarce, we usually played group pieces, which was why the music teacher telling me this was like a ; 'is this-even-real-life-moment' . Guess it was, this was one of those main character moments, and my body did not know what to do with that information because all of a sudden I felt queasy

Pull your shit together I mentally scolded myself for being such a wimp

''you up to it?'' Mr. Jefferson asked

I bit back the bile that was rising at the back of my throat, and nodded enthusiastically in hopes that my energetic nod would make up for the absence of words

Hell yeah, I was up to it mentally, physically not so well

I needed time to prepare, maybe that way I could get myself to at least calm down

''can I request some time to practice beforehand'' I asked, trying to minimize the desperation in my tone, afraid Mr. Jefferson might deny me this whole opportunity if he heard how terrified I was

''I'm afraid I can't give you that, you need to maintain attendance with all your other classes, but you're welcome to use the auditorium at break time'' he said by way of assurance

That's not nearly enough time

''thank you'' is what left my mouth

I couldn't really think about anything else for the entire day besides impressing the sponsors, I didn't even tell my friends what I'd be doing afraid it would jinx my performance

Break time I went to the auditorium and locked the door behind me, it was nice to have the whole room to myself for once

I imagined if mom would see how nervous I was she would say something like; ''you should be prepared well enough, or are you just wasting time at those classes with Liana?"

______________________

The sponsors arrived close to home time and everyone was ushered into the auditorium and I had thought I would be less nervous because it was close to home time and I was tired from the amount of energy and learning I had done that day, I had presumed that the tiredness would be enough to at least dilute the nervousness

No such luck, my heart picked up its pace

Still I said nothing to my friends which made it all that more worth it when Mr. Jefferson introduced me and called me up to the stage which evoked surprised and concerned looks from everyone in the audience

I rejoiced

This is your moment- I reminded myself

Sitting there on the stage I tried to remember the advices everyone had ever given me with regards to playing; 'pace yourself, play from your heart, think about the melody not the keys' – just like that it had evaporated, anxiety does that to you

Regardless of all the factors contributing to my downfall I played, all I heard was my heart beating in my ears, I don't remember the details and mishaps, I just remember playing the piece, rattling it off from what I remembered and hoped that I made no mistakes

I played the last key, and after a beat of silence the audience broke into a deafening applause that echoed throughout the huge auditorium

To say in the least my performance was a success and I was congratulated immensely after that

Tully told me I killed it, and Luke told me I played wonderfully and stroked my ego for a little, I smiled at him and said thanks even though my thanks to his praises did not feel genuine I ignored it