Diary of a teenage b**** | ✔

Fifty-Five

I don't have a lot of details recorded pertaining my time in Spain because this holiday was the first one that I spent more of it living and less of it writing down and documenting everything in my diary

That being said yes I had maybe cut down on the details, but not the content; I was still writing down the things I deemed important to write down as per usual just not as much as I was used to

Basically I highlighted important events and skimmed over everything else in-between

Like for one the whole falling in love with Tyler was an in-between sort of thing, the details were boring he was a jack- ass yet I fell for him anyway, and the more I tried to tell myself not to the more I did

Was I just attracted to people I couldn't have and people who were bad for me?

And my love for Tyler didn't even go just till there, it actually extended so far that I had begun observing Kayla (when I had eventually met her) and tried to mirror her, I knew I could never in looks, but ways – boy how hard I tried

But Tyler never noticed, just like Kayla barely noticed Tyler

I did do a lot of fun stuff that holiday, but the kind of stuff that's fun to experience but not really fun to describe or write down: I went bungee jumping, rock climbing and skydiving, went to a strip club and was utterly mesmerized by the girls on the pole because their bodies...

I don't think I'm gay, but a few times in my life I had honestly considered it by the way I felt when looking at other women's body had made me feel, and this was one of those times

Coming back to Tyler...

He made my trip fun, like laugh till your gut hurt, heart racing type of fun, and it was easy spontaneous fun. When Tully stopped being my friend I had felt like she took my humor with her, and I didn't know who I was without her, didn't even know if I could still be that person without her

And I'm not saying I found it with Tyler, but I liked the carefree version of myself I was when I was around him

However I did not feel safe around him, not in a; I was scared he was going to physically harm me, but scared in the sense that physical harm could come to me under his watch. Despite how much I was falling in love with him, I knew he saw me as a friend, no bullshit I knew he saw me as a friend

I wasn't pretty enough to be the girl that he could possibly like

He'd flirt with me because it was his nature and I'd get butterflies then all those feelings of love would dissipate towards him when he'd cuss me out and insult me. Now I don't know how to explain this but romantic relationships usually take precedence over other relationships whether you'd like to admit it or not

Which is the main reason why I didn't really like Wren's past girlfriends because I felt threatened by them and the love that Wren would have for them would grow so vast that he'd no longer have space in his heart for me

And for someone you were in a romantic relationship with there were some lines you were willing to cross for them because you loved them, maybe you'd love your friend too but not as much as a lover

Which was also why I was so frightened of my feelings toward Tyler because I knew I would do anything for him because I loved him yet he wouldn't do the same for me because he didn't have the same feelings as i

I wished I could have fallen out of love with him, it would have made things so much easier, might've even have made it hurt less, but you don't choose whom you love and I loved this stupid boy more than he'd ever know

Besides all that Tyler was also at fault because he didn't exactly make it easy for me to not love him, he was just so self-assured and confident in everything regardless of whether the odds were in his favor, and he flirted with me shamelessly, delivering the most perfect straight to the gut pick-up lines that rendered you speechless and left you feeling like there were so many butterflies in your stomach that a few of them were bound to come up either out your mouth or behind