Dear Diary

Entry 2

I woke up to my mom handing me the baby. I'm not sure why I needed to hold her since... you know, I was half asleep. Then she eventually took her back. And my brother J and I went back to sleep.

After laying there for a while, the breakfast bell went off and we had to try to get out of the camper without letting the panicking dogs out.

We went to breakfast and I got some waffle toast, and sausage. I kinda wanted more but I cut myself off because my body doesn't really tell me when I'm hungry, so I kinda guess when I'm full.

We finished breakfast and went back to the camper.

J was in a bad mood and eventually left. Idk where.

The baby fell and started crying. My mom got really stressed and started yelling. She handed me the crying baby, and then my brother called. They ended up yelling at each other.

It was all very stressful. I'm probably just being over sensitive. That's what my dad and brother have been saying for years.

I honestly don't even have it that bad, idk why I'm complaining.

The baby needs attention. It makes sense that I need to hold her all the time, and people get into arguments all the time. So I need to calm down, and stop crying over fucking everything!

I'm a cancer... sooo I'm just going to blame my fuck ups on that.

God I'm pathetic...

Anyway, it makes sense that my mom gets pissed at me for not helping her do shit. I pretty much just read fanfiction all day.

I mean... my therapist told me it's a healthy coping mechanism... not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be coping with. Except for my depression, but honestly I've been dealing with that for years, so it seems like I would get used to it at this point. Idk.

Anyway the baby started throwing a temper tantrum because my mom wouldn't let her rip out her hair. So... that's a thing.

Later my brother J came back and started playing video games. I continued reading fanfiction like the absolute nerd I am.

We went to lunch. Came back, and then my brother J changed the tires on the camper.

Technically we were supposed to hang out with family and friends. But my family doesn't really get along, and I don't have any friends. Especially not here.

So I continued reading dadzawa fanfiction because I like too think about an adult who... idk, I can look up to I guess.

I kinda wish he was my dad...

God! I'm so fucking pathetic. No wonder I have no friends! AAHHHHHH!!! FUCKING KILL ME!!!

Why am I even posting this shit?!

I literally have a dad! Why am I like this?!

I don't fucking know.

I should probably stop reading so much fanfiction, while dreaming of a perfect fucking family that doesn't exist.

Maybe if I made myself useful for once in my fucking life, my family wouldn't fight as much.

Wow... I say fuck a lot... I need to chill.

After I finished the fanfic I had been reading for the past three days, my mom dragged me outside where the baby and I proceeded to fight for dominants.

It was consensual on both parties ok. Don't @ me!!!

I don't show faces, so that's why you can't see her face.

We went inside and did our own thing for a while.

The baby ended up falling down the steps of the camper. The ones inside, with carpet, thank God!

There was so much yelling and panic, I didn't know what to do.

It got harder to breathe, which freaked me out and I ended up having a full on panic attack.

My parents didn't like that, and told me it made them seem like terrible parents. So I went out to the tent to calm down. But they didn't like that either. I was scared and couldn't breathe, so I sat in the tent until I could calm down.

My lungs hurt like they had been used like a punching bag, my face was covered in dried tear tracks, and my head hurt from nearly ripping out my hair.

I really need to stop overreacting! I sound so weak!

After a little while, my dad took me to the snack shack to get some food. I think it was some kind of apology for freaking out on me. Idk.

I'm probably going to end this entry here. I'm gonna go either read or write fanfiction... my lazy ass is probably gonna read...

I really gotta work on my fanfic...