The God Of Surprises

19 - The Uncomfortable Silence

*BUCKY'S POV*

"And I love you. More than I could say. I just don't know how to handle the part of my heart that died with Loki."

My heart sunk as she spoke the words that nearly could've broken me. I know this was complicated, and confusing feelings were to be expected. After all this time I guess I underestimated how much of her grieve was truly about her love for Loki, versus just her pregnancy. The air in the room felt heavy as no one spoke. I could feel myself slowly starting to lose control and I took a deep breath. I couldn't freak out now, it wouldn't help anything.

Loki broke the uncomfortable silence. "I want to discuss Nathan... is now an okay time?"

"Now is as good of a time as any." Y/N whispered.

"I'd like to take him to visit Asguard when I return. Lily could come as well, I wouldn't want to separate them."

Y/N opened her mouth to answer but I spoke instead. "Absolutely not." They both turned to me, shocked. "You're not taking my children to another world. It's not happening."

"They're not just your children, soldier."

"Loki is right, James. Come here." Y/N moved over and patted the seat next to her. I slowly walked over and sat there, the small space between us hurt. I wanted more than anything to ignore the God in the room and grab her and kiss her, forgetting all the other bullshit here.

Loki gave a chuckle and I glared at him. "I liked you better when you couldn't read minds."

Y/N smiled and grabbed my hand. "Nathan deserves the chance to get to know his relatives, babe. You know that. And Thor will be there. Thor's watched them before."

"Yeah, on Earth."

"It's only fair. We'll agree to a one day trip, how's that?"

I nodded and looked at the ground. I could handle one day. And Thor loved my children, I could trust him.

"Will Liliana be going to Asguard with you?" Y/N looked to Loki.

"That was the plan."

She nodded and didn't speak anymore about it. Loki excused himself to go check on her and I stayed still, sitting on the edge of her hospital bed. She tried to sit up and groaned. I immediately put my hand against her face. "Don't move. Do you need more meds?"

She shook her head. "No. But know what would make me happy?" I tilted my head questioning. "You taking off your shirt."

I rolled my eyes as she gave me a huge grin. "Glad you're okay, sweetheart." I leaned in to kiss her and she sighed against my lips.

"You know it was never really a choice right? It's always been you." The moment she said those words my heart grew in my chest. The weight I've been carrying since seeing Loki in our yard lifted.

"You mean that?"

She wrapped her arms around my neck and I moved so my body was above hers, but put all my weight on my arms, afraid to hurt her. "I loved you first. Yes, I grew to love Loki. But it wasn't the same love. I always loved you." She took a deep inhale and then slowly let it out. "I think... I think that's why I was putting off getting married. I really wasn't sure how much of the love for him was real. But him being here... I still love you. I still want you. I'm sorry if I made you doubt that. I love you, James Buchanan Barnes. With every part of me."

I didn't know how to respond, it was everything I needed to hear. I leaned closer to her and pressed my lips against hers with urgency. I had been so worried, like the past five years hadn't happened. I was out of my mind. "I love you."