Meant to Be My Balance

Chapter 16

I'D BEEN STUDIOUSLY ignoring Ivan since I got here—but that was impossible now. He was always a carriage away, whispering into the Darkling's ear like a little puppet. I clenched my fists at my side, staring out the window, trying to keep my eyes from the Darkling.

This was going to be fine—I'd be in the carriage for most of our trip anyway. He couldn't exactly bother me if we were traveling separately. The dinners would be awful, but I'd have to put on a fake smile no matter what anyway.

If only it weren't so hot... I loosened my kefta, taking a small breath. That was when the door opened, and I turned, expecting a guard or Ivan. It was the Darkling, and he was taking his seat in the carriage, right across from me.

"What are you doing here?"

He looked up, raising an eyebrow. "Is there a problem, Alina?"

"You... why aren't you in your carriage."

"This is our carriage," he said. "Remember, we have to keep up pretenses for all the nobles we'll be visiting."

I hadn't remembered. "Aren't they going to notice we're not exactly... doing anything together."

"Aren't we?" he said, smirking.

I crossed my arms over my chest. "They don't expect us to... get married or anything, right?" I asked, my breath catching at the thought of being in a white wedding kefta as the Darkling stood in his black at the end of an altar.

"Oh, they do." He kept his eyes on a stack of papers, skimming them. "I'll take care of them, just go to sleep."

"I'm never getting married to you," I said, glaring at him.

"I know, Alina."

"And I hope you realize I don't feel even a bit for you what I felt for Mal."

"Yes, Alina."

"And you're a terrible person."

"Thank you, Alina."

With a huff, I turned away, staring out the window. It didn't take my gaze long to go back to him, to his combed black hair, his clever, silver eyes, the way his kefta was tight around his arms—

"Hasn't anyone taught you staring is rude?"

I startled, looking away, cheeks burning in embarrassment. In fact, Ana Kuya had taught me that. My heart twinged at the thought of her. Did Aleksander wish for simpler times too?

I leaned against the window, closing my eyes. The Darkling had woken me up so early, and if I could just get a little bit of sleep in, maybe I would finally stop thinking about the way his lips felt against mine, the feeling of his hands on my waist.

When I woke up, we were stopped, and the Darkling was gone. Cursing his name for leaving me here alone, I stood, leaving the carriage to stretch my legs. Guards milled about around the campground, and there was a village not too far off. Seeing it reminded me of Keramzin, and I shoved away the pain.

My stomach growled and I searched for a camp where they were serving food. Much to my dismay, if there was one, I couldn't find it.

I found one of the oprichnik. "Do you know where the Darkling is?"

He folded his arms across his chest. "I'm not allowed to disclose such information."

I glared. "I have just as much power as him."

The guard stayed silent.

"Fine, then." I stomped off into the distance. He wasn't in the main halls, which meant he was either in a tent or on the perimeter, and I wasn't about to go looking in every single tent.

The second I made it out into the woods, he stepped out, in his dirty black robes, oily, slicked black hair, and mousy eyes.

"Alina."

I didn't hesitate for even a moment, raising my hands in front of me. "Get away from me," I told the Apparat.

"You needn't fear me. I'm here to extend my support to you, along with an offer."

"I don't need anything you're offering."

He cocked his head, beady little eyes staring right through me. "Don't you? Last I heard, you were being kept in the palace along with the rest of the rebellion. It seems you need all the help you can get."

"I'm taking care of that," I croaked, preparing myself for the Cut.

"I can lend you my support. It would be enough," he said, "to take the Darkling's throne."

I paused, my hands faltering. "That's impossible."

"What if I told you I had a way to kill him and get you the firebird?"

"You'd be lying."

The Apparat smiled, his blood-red lips extending across his face. "All I ask in return is you keep my presence here a secret, and of course, reward me once you are the sole ruler of Ravka."

"You're supposed to be in Tsemna."

The Apparat, folded his arms behind his back. "I was. Now, I'm here."

"Does Al—the Darkling know?"

The Apparat's eyes stayed on me, and even though I was far enough away from him, I could smell the rancid, musty smell that followed him.

"Inconsequential. Do you agree, Alina?" He smiled again, his eyes never leaving mine.

I had fought a war against the Darkling for this—for Nikolai and Mal and the firebird. But perhaps Aleksander was rubbing off on me, because I knew what another war would mean. Death. Instability.

And even after watching him torture a man, even after seeing the way he had spread darkness through the world... I couldn't help but trust him. He was bringing me to Tsemna, even after I called him a monster. And I couldn't let him loose on the world but... betraying him? Killing him?

I lifted my hands and struck out with the Cut, bathing the forest in sharp, white light, but at the last moment, I felt something in my nose, making my head feel dizzy. My Cut launched too far to the right, slicing down a tree. But the Apparat was still standing whole.

He shook his head in disappointment. "I'll see you in Tsemna, Alina."

I fell to the ground, everything growing faint and blurry as my powers rose to the surface. I watch the forest explode into bright light against the dark trees, but I couldn't find my target, and my mind couldn't focus, and my legs couldn't stand. I turned into the ground, feeling bile rise in my throat as I wretched onto the ground, my hands still glowing with useless power. I tried to stand, my weak legs barely supporting me, but it was too late.

The Apparat was gone. I was still staring at the spot where he had disappeared when I heard the Darkling.

"ALINA! ALINA!"

"I'm here!" I called, standing at the forest, arms wrapped around myself as I stared at the spot where the Apparat had disappeared. Footsteps sounded behind me, and a moment later, I felt the Darkling's arms around me, his lips against my hair, his chest heaving.

"What happened?" He pulled away quickly, scoping out the area.

"I-the-I tried to fight him and—" My legs went weak again, and I clung to the Darkling's kefta as his hands steadied me.

"Who, Alina?" he asked, his mouth set, eyes furious. He looked up. "Healer!"

"The Apparat," I said, my skin feeling hot.

"Hold on, Alina." He lifted me into his arms, and I let my head loll back against his firm chest as the darkness swallowed me. 

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