Sun & Moon

Chapter 30 - Bianca

I lost control.

I toss and turn in bed replaying the fight in my head.

I struck Astrid several times. Did I know what I was doing? Maybe. But I didn't try to stop myself because something came over me. Something animalistic and powerful got unleashed. Something I have yet to understand.

I have become something...more.

My body feels exhausted, yet I dread sleep, fearing to see that dark entity appear in the corner of my small room once again. The thoughts help a little in keeping me awake, as I lay here remembering Astrid's unconscious, bloodied body. If it wasn't for Rio, who knows how far I would have gone. I shudder to think about it, but at least he was there. And I wasn't. I haven't been since I checked out of Silver Bow.

What else was I supposed to do? Running away means leaving everything behind and making sure not to rekindle the connections to home, right?

Because I never want to go back.

"Bianca?"

I bolt out of bed at the mention of my name and see nobody standing there in the dark corner, but a soft knock on my door. Sniffing the air, I sense Valentina on the other side. I let her in quickly.

"Are you crazy? It's the middle of the night."

"Princess, I—"

"You know how they feel about vampires, Valentina," I chide her further, a mixture of scolding her and taking out my frustration now that someone's here to take it.

"I just wanted to talk," she says, her dark eyes vulnerable under the faint glow from the light out in the courtyard.

I sigh and ask her to sit beside me on the bed. Even though her rejection at my desperate pleas to run away with me stung at first, I soon realized how stupid and naïve I was to even ask. What does she really mean to me anyway?

"There are so many things I want to apologize for, Princess."

"Please stop calling me that."

She nods. "Of course, Bianca." She looks down at her hands and begins her apologies. "I'm sorry for leaving you to journey all this way on your own. I'm sorry I didn't realize soon enough. I'm sorry for causing such a commotion upon my arrival. And," she hesitates and swallows hard, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner that I love you."

Valentina looks up at me finally and I feel...nothing.

I have thought about this moment several times over the years of my relationship with the vampiress. Even though I have always been pining for my best friend, I would have immediately told Valentina that I loved her back were she to say the words first. I would have done that just to pretend for a while that I could move on from loving Astrid. But Valentina never said it. Never uttered a word of something beyond lust. I suppose I shouldn't have expected more from such a skewed power dynamic where Valentina was the older, experienced mentor and I, the naïve student. How could that ever turn into love.

And yet here I am, feeling absolutely nothing after her confession.

I look at Valentina, softly biting her lower lip, her brows furrowed in anticipation of my response. Normally, I would reach out and bite that lip myself and this night would lead to another among countless others of lust-filled cries and ecstasy. But the desire to do so is no longer in me.

"It must have taken great courage for you to say these things," I tell her. "But there's no point in me giving you the forgiveness you seek, Valentina."

She scowls at this.

"Because," I continue, "The person you're looking for is no longer here."

"What do you mean?" she laughs nervously, taking my hand and placing it on her chest, where her dead heart lies still and unbeating. "Chérie, am I not sitting in front of you? Are you not here in this moment with me?"