Fallen

A Wrenched Heart

They say home is where the heart is. They say home is where you belong, and that's true. You are truly home unless you feel trapped, unless you feel suffocated. And there's no happier feeling than being home. I was a misfit. The only place I felt at home was my mind. Where I could escape reality. And that's the place where I stayed most of the time. 
There are a few incidents that stick with a person for the rest of their lives (or at least for a very long time). Seldom are they happy though. We tend to forget the bright moments of life and let misery overpower us. 

Has your whole class ever laughed at you? Just you? Not because you cracked a joke. No. But because they wanted to insult and embarrass you to that extent, that your body goes numb; the only place you can stare is at the ground; suddenly everything goes silent. And that silence depressed me. It wasn't the silence of sympathy. It wasn't the silence of righteousness. It was the silence of the self. It was the silence of not being able to get up and just shout. Because good girls don't do that. Because when you're 7, the only thing that matters is being a good girl. Let me take you to the whole incident on the train of memories

"Nancy! You're next!" Shouted the teacher across the room to the girl on the last seat with bated breath. Oh no! Oh no no no please no! She thought. The teacher was teaching measurements to the class and she decided it was "fun" to bring in a weighing machine and measure every student's weight and announce it in the class. But it wasn't so fun for everyone was it? Especially not for the girl sitting at the last bench, continuously sweating with fear at the fact that her weight was going to be ANNOUNCED TO THE WHOLE CLASS. She didn't want to give the bullies the exact thing they needed to make her hell-of-a-life even worse. 

But what could she do? She had to stand on the cursed machine and let everyone know her weight. So she went there. Held in her breath, hoping it would probably reduce her weight. 35! The teacher announced. "Blimey, Nancy! Start running, would you?" She said pinching the girl on her belly. Ouch, she said under her breath. But it wasn't the pinch that pained, no, she was used to that. It was what was to come next. "HAHAHA FATTY NANCY" the whole class burst into laughter. She looked at her teacher for a little support, to show a little authority, to save her from this living nightmare. But what she sees, kills her. The teacher was laughing along with the kids like it was some kind of a stand-up show. It probably was for them. But not for her. The teacher pushed her to go back to her seat. And for the rest of the year, the teacher and the students, both abashed the living hell out of her. 

"Nance, look I baked you your favorite cake."
"No thanks, mom. I don't want it."
"What are you talking about Nance? You love this cake, you can't resist it!"
"Oh, but I have to MOM! I HAVE TO! COZ IF I WON'T RESIST IT I'LL NEVER BE PERFECT LIKE TANISHA"
 "Isn't Tanisha the girl who bullies you, Nance?"
 "No mom, she's the girl who shows me my ugly self. Who shows me who I am. Just an ugly fat girl. Even our teacher Ms. Gupta thinks that I'm an ugly fat girl." 

And there I did it. I broke my mom's heart. I could see the brightness evaporate from her eyes. She was disappointed in herself. She was disappointed because she couldn't make me love myself. But it's not her fault. I could never get myself to like me. At that time I was un-likable and there was nothing mom could do about it 

In a matter of a few months, I was at a new school. A new ray of hope? Could this be home? Or would I still be a misfit? Would I still be the un-likable girl that I was in my old school? Or was this change GOOD?