Shot Through the Lights

Kabanata 54

Remember

"It's a good day, don't you think?"

"Hmm."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Us," diretso kong saad.

There was no one else in this coffee shop except for us. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba alas sais pa ng umaga o baka nirentahan niya ang buong lugar na 'to para makapag-usap kami nang maayos.

Ever since I got here, ito ang una kong inalala. Just because I wanted to clean everything. Ayokong may maiwang kung ano sa paghihiwalay namin.

But we didn't meet right away, though. Umabot pa 'yon ng isang linggo bago ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob para makipag-usap nang masinsinan sa kanya.

At first, I expected him to refuse, considering what happened when we were in Basco. And how we broke up. And how everything went for the past years that we were together. Pero pumayag siya agad sa pakiusap ko nang walang pag-aalinlangan.

He gave me an empty smile from across the table.

"What about us? Ano'ng kailangan nating pag-usapan tungkol sa atin?"

Kanina pa dumating ang mga order naming. Ngunit hindi 'yon nagalaw. Tinatanaw lang naming ang paggalaw ng usok mula sa kape.

I breathed deeply.

"I'm sorry," panimula ko. "For everything that I've done."

It took me weeks to say that. It's not because I'm not ready. Well, maybe that is part of this delay. However, a much bigger part of me is ashamed. Wala akong mukhang maihaharap sa kanyamatapos marinig at mapagtanto lahat ng kanyang sinabi.

Agad siyang umiling sa akin. 

"You don't have to say sorry—"

"That's crap," simangot ko. "Malaki ang kasalanan ko sa 'yo at sa relasyong meron tayo noon. So let me apologize. Because you deserved better. And that someone is not me."

Gasgas na gasgas ang linya. Pero ano pa nga ba ang dapat kong sabihin kundi ang katotohanang 'yan?

I stared out the window. It was raining slightly. Nalalapit na rin kasi ang Disyembre at madalas na ang bagyo rito sa Maynila. LPA pa lang ngayon. Pero mga dalawang araw nang ganito ang panahon.

I heard him chuckle.

"You don't get to tell me what I deserved and what I don't, Alunsina," he sighed. "May kasalanan din ako sa 'yo at sa sarili ko. I should have freed the both of us the moment I realized this is going nowhere. But I was reckless. Sumugal ako. Sinugal ko ang buong sarili ko."

"To someone unworthy," I finished. "And wouldn't that make me a coward?"

Binalik ko ang tingin sa kanya at nahagip ang kanyang pag-irap sa akin kasabay ng isang mapaglarong ngiti.

"Yeah, to me. To the both of us. We're not worthy of each other. Pero sa iba, higit pa ang halaga mo sa kahit na anong bagay. The same goes for me. And those two years with you... were one of the best years of my life, Wave."

Sumimsim siya sa kape.

I couldn't say the same for myself. Dahil hindi naman ako lubusang naging masaya sa mga nakalipas na taon. I did smile and laugh, but the fact that I'm not fully healed from everything in the past still stands.

"And yes. We're both cowards for that."

"I wonder," I swallowed, "kung... maayos ka na ngayon? This might be a question that's out of the line. Pero gusto kong malaman."