Saving Natasha

PART 98: MOTHER

NATASHAS POV

I looked down at the child on my chest and was overcome by a sudden jealousy for her mother. I never knew just how much I wanted a family. I wanted the very thing I couldn't have. There weren't a lot of things I couldn't have, and of course this had to be one of them. I could feel tears pricking the backs of my eyes and Ava and Wandas intense watch. I didnt feel like having that conversation so instead, I ran away.

I put Avery on the couch, grabbed my keys and ran out the door. Racing down the hall and jumping down the stairs. Eager to get out of view. I yanked the car door open and rushed off down the road, not really knowing or caring where I was going. I pulled into an empty parking lot and leant my head against the steering wheel, letting tears cloud my vision.

I had gottten so attached to Avery. What happens when Stark finds her mother? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid Natasha. What have I always been taught? Dont get emotionally involved on a mission. Yet here I was, emotionally attached to a child I knew from the beginning wouldn't be here for long. I rocked back in my chair. Banging my head off the headrest repeatedly, a memory was knocked into my head.

"Why though. I dont understand why?" I dared to question.

"Because. You're not fit to be a mother. You have killed Natalia. Murdered in cold blood without even flinching. You are nothing more than a deadly assassin. That's all you will ever be. A killing machine. Not a mother. Never a mother. You were never meant to be a mother. How long have you been training here? How many things have you done that you would rather forget? This is how you become one of us Natalia. Become a leader, a master, not a mother. Train others, to be like you, to be what this despicable world so sorely needs. Do you want to be a mother Romanova? Do you want to have one of those ugly little gremlins chasing you, expecting you to provide for them. You are our most skilled and promising student Romanova. Dont mess it up on some stupid pipe dream" she turned on her heel and walked down the corridor. Leaving me tied to the bed, awaiting the dreaded procedure.

I raked my hands through my hair, muttering the same things over and over:

'Stupid stupid stupid Natasha'

'She's not your child, you had no right to get attached'

'you have no right to keep her'

'Nothing more than a killing machine'

'Never a mother.....never a mother.......never a mother' until I reverted to Russian

'действительно наталья? перестань плакать. вырасти и перестань плакать. слезы слабые, всегда были, всегда будут. любовь для детей (Really Natalia? Stop fucking crying. Grow up and stop fucking crying. Tears are weak, always have been, always will be. Love is for children)'

I scolded myself in the car until tears no longer blurred my vision. I looked outside and noticed it had gotten much darker. I checked the time. I had been here for a little over 5 hours.

'Jesus fuck Natalia, get a grip.' I could hear Madame b in my head. It scared me, whenever I remembered something specific about my time in that hell hole, it would effect me for weeks. I'd be able to hear Madame b in my head. I'd grow cold and distant, lashing out at anyone who was brave enough to come near me.

I took a few deep breaths, bringing an eerie sense of calm I hadn't felt in a long time, the car was filled with a loaded silence. I started the car, pulling back onto the road. My posture rigid, my head trained in a straight forward gaze.

I headed towards Avas house, I needed to apologise to my colleagues for running out like that. It was unprofessional.

I checked my rear view mirror.

I saw Avery's car seat.

Any calmness, eerie or not, was instantly banished, faster than ever before.

Any other thought was banished from my mind and was replaced with image after image of a certain smiling, happy baby girl. Tears clouded my eyes once again as I stared at the car seat in the rear view mirror.