Tommyinnit Oneshots

Mafia (spam)

A/N - More spam. Also, I published chapter 50 right before this so please leave E in congratulations if you have E to spare. 

TW: Swearing

"Who is it?" Tommy snarled into his banana phone. He had been hiding out in the shed behind KFC while he waited for the police to stop searching for him.

Apparently, his neighbors hadn't liked the song 'U Can't Touch This' by MC Hammer and called the police to file a noise complaint, and then they had found Phil's dead body. Needless to say, Tommy had slithered out of there like a snake on acid on his state-of-the-art hoverboard.

His banana phone had started ringing incessantly 17 minutes and 35 seconds ago, and Tommy finally picked it up to curse out the heathen on the other line who was interrupting his online yoga course led by Kermit the frog.

"Tomathy, this is John Wick. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson told me about your hammer and your Magic Fork." He paused, and put thumbs up while he touched his pointer fingers together and slowly rotated them. "Wanna...maybe...be in my mafia?" He asked shyly, sticking out his bottom lip and making puppy eyes. Of course, Tommy didn't see this because the conversation was over the banana phone.

"Hell yeah, I do!" Tommy cheered. "Poggers," John Wick said, making finger guns and putting on his sunglasses. Damn, he's so cool. "Please come to this address tomorrow at noon." 

A messenger fly brought a note through a crack in the wooden wall of the shed, and written on it was the address from John Wick. Tommy knew this because he could see the writing with his X-Ray vision.

The paper was so heavy that as soon as Tommy took the note, Messenger Fly fell to the ground out of exhaustion, and promptly died. Rip. But Tommy was hungry, and flies didn't taste bad, so Messenger Fly became his dinner that night.

The next day, he showed up at the Police Station just like the letter told him to. "Oh no, I've been busted!" He cried. He fell to the ground and started sobbing like he did that one time when no one showed up to his New Year's party and he had to count down alone and then the heat went out and he was shivering on the floor and had to warm up his Pop-Tarts with the heat of his tears and then they were all soggy and salty. But that was last year, and it definitely didn't bother him anymore. He was completely over it.

He waited to be swarmed with policemen and arrested for the murder of his father. But nothing happened - instead, John Wick kneeled down beside him. "Tomathy, why are you crying? Did they kill your dog too?"

"Keanu Reeves?" He asked in wonder. So he really was going to be in the mafia! But then the man's face contorted in anger. "I'M JOHN WICK, NOT THAT SAD FUCKING SANDWICH MAN. YOU WILL DO WELL TO RESPECT ME." He was so angry that he could've aggressively operated a forklift. Luckily, he calmed down with the breathing exercise that his therapist taught him and skipped off with a giggle. 

"I'm in the mafia now. That's so poggers," Tommy said to the sidewalk. "I'm happy for you man," The sidewalk replied. "I know how hard you worked to get to where you are. We're all so proud of you." All the other sidewalks echoed his sentiments, and Tommy wiped a tear from his eye. "Thanks, guys," He said, voice thick with emotion. Then he set out to do mafia.

(A/N, skip if you're not interested)

I have a feeling that this chapter was very much anticipated, and I'm going to try to pog through that pain. Just kidding, I really liked writing this. I'd be happy to write another part to this if anyone had ideas for Tommy's mafia antics.