Until I Met You

19

TW's:
-Mentions abuse/overdose
-Mentions heart disease
-Hospital

Clay's POV

'Do you want to talk about it, Clay? I'm here for you, you know that, right?'

I nodded slowly and I looked at him. 'I think I might be burnt out.'

'What happened? Please talk to me.'

'My sister is really sick, she has a heart disease and she basically can't do anything alone. My dad left me when I was young and my mother is selfish and has a burnout, I think. She just lets me do everything in the house, cleaning, cooking. She treats me as her slave and I started taking her medication. She doesn't take it and I started using it.'

'What medication?'

'It's just calming medication, I guess. I took one a day at the start and it worked well. I was only very tired and such, but I was calm. But it didn't work and I started taking more and more and the last few weeks I have been using nine a day at least.'

Sapnap looked at me really worried, but didn't say anything.

'I need it to stay calm, everything is too much for me. I never do my homework anymore, I'm so tired, my stomach hurts so much and today was too much. My sister is incurably sick, she will probably die within now and ten years,' I whispered. 'I got multiple panic attacks and I took more medication. I took the whole bottle which included fifteen pills, but I had already taken twelve today.'

'Twenty seven pills, Clay- that's way too much.'

'I need it to stay calm, Sap. My life is an absolute hell, I didn't try to commit suicide, although I wished that sometimes.'

'Why is no one here?'

'My sister is sick and my mum didn't care about me. I threw up in her room twice because I was begging for help and she screamed at me to clean my own sick up. She didn't want to call an ambulance and eventually my sick sister called an ambulance, risking herself passing out by standing up to help me.'

'Oh my goodness, Clay. You could have told me, I would have helped you.'

'I'm already too broken to be helped.'

'You aren't, I'm going to help you. I promise you.'

'I can't deal with it anymore, I'm lying to everyone. I feel so bad everyday, I cry nights long as soon as I don't use medication. I get aggressive if I don't use it, I start shaking and I even thought about hurting my mum today,' I cried. 'I'm the worst person, but I was so mad. I had three panic attacks and she called me. I thought she wanted to comfort me and let me lay down next to her like the old times, but she asked for tea.'

I bursted into tears now and Sap moved closer to me to hug me tightly against his body.

'There is literally nothing in my life going well at the moment. I can't anymore, it's all too much. My dad left me, my mum doesn't care about me and my sister will die. I only have you and I bet you don't care about me that much either.'

'I care a lot about you, Clay. I really do.'

'I can't deal with it anymore. It's all too much, it really is. I have to do everything and I sometimes purposely get detention so I don't have to go home immediately. My sister knows my secret and she's going to die,' I whispered.

'You need help, Clay. Just as your mum, you both need help as fast as possible.'

'I don't want to continue anymore. I need medication.'

'You're not going to take that medication anymore, do you have any at home?'

'No,' I lied. 'I took it all.' I wasn't going to mention I still had one bottle left and the doctor was still prescribing it.

Sapnap nodded slowly. 'You should stop bottling everything up, Clay. Is there anything else you want to talk about with me?'

'I would like to, but I don't dare to.'

'Would you like to write it down in my phone if that's easier for you?'

I nodded slowly and Sapnap gave me his phone, opened up on his notes. I took a deep breath and I started typing slowly.

I like boys and I'm gay.

I didn't think about it anymore and I gave him his phone back nervously. I looked at my hands as Sapnap was reading it and he smiled after.

'I'm really proud of you for telling me. You like George, don't you?' Sapnap giggled.

I nodded. 'I'm really in love with him, but I just don't dare telling anyone. My sister does know it, but she will die.'

'Do you want to talk about it? We can if you want.'

'Is that weird for you?'

'It's not. I've talked about girls I've liked too.'

'I'm just so in love with him. He's so handsome, sweet, cute and beautiful.'

Sapnap smiled. 'You've talked with him.'

I nodded as I blushed brightly. 'He is so cute. I hope he will one day be my boyfriend.'

'You should take a chance at least.'

'How?'

'Go up to him and talk with him. Maybe try telling him you're gay and you like him. If he doesn't like you, he will tell you.'

'I don't want to be heartbroken.'

'But you also don't want to miss your chance.'

I nodded slowly. 'I'm sorry that I tried lying that I was straight.'

'It's fine, I can understand how hard it is to come out.'

'I'm so in love with George, Sap. He's so handsome, I have so many butterflies in my stomach when I look at him and I blush so much. When he talks to me I start stuttering and I get so nervous around him. I think about him every second of the day and I want to draw his name everywhere with hearts around it.'

'I know, I've seen you drawing a lot.'

'I love him,' I whispered. 'I'm too closeted to tell him I love him.'

'You don't have to yet, you can come out whenever you want. I'm already glad you dared to come out to me.'

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