Suga Oneshots and Sickfics

Falling Off

Requested by @Mariàn

warning: mental illness, mentions of a suicide attempt

kinda changed the request oops

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During the course of his lifetime, Yoongi had struggled with anxiety quite a bit. It was exhausting. He had had laid awake many times, endlessly worrying about the outcomes of the decisions that he made. He worried about what people thought of him, how he came across to people who didn't know him, what the members thought of him, etc. The list was never-ending and new things were added to it every week.

He had sought help for it many times and it had helped. Yoongi knew that he was in good hands now. His family was on board with who he was and what his passions were, and his friends and members around him were there if he needed any help.

But, if he had to be honest, it was he that needed to fight the real battle. He had to be the one to comfort himself when he fell and heard someone laugh. He had to keep himself strong when people hurled insults at him and expected him to break. Yoongi hated the horrible aspects that came with his job, but he kept himself going.

It wasn't always like that. There was a time when he didn't a supportive ring of people around him. When the people who he loved the most didn't understand why he wanted to do what he wanted to do, and those lovely ties that they used to share had grown to become chains of resentment. Yoongi dealt with everything himself and was too ashamed to ask for help.

He deserved everything, he told himself. Now, he knew, he didn't. He didn't deserve bad things to happen to him. Yoongi had to listen to Jin's jokes every night. Hopefully that was the only punishment that he deserved.

But, to tell the story of what Yoongi was like, we need to go back to the beginning.

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School wasn't easy. And for Yoongi - who wasn't the greatest student - it caused him a great deal of pressure. He tried to study for his tests, but no matter what, he always made silly mistakes that cost him a great deal of marks. He had a bad habit of procrastinating on his homework and studying. Yoongi always had to race against time hours before the deadline to get his work done.

Don't get him wrong, he hated that routine as well. He tried to get his life more organized. He made to-do lists, used his school-issued agenda (sometimes), and tried to ask questions in class. But then, he would get bored and tell himself that his grades didn't matter to him and goof around in class. Yoongi wasn't the most popular in his class, but he did have a good number of friends who he could joke around with. That's when he didn't pay attention in class. That's when he didn't bother doing his homework and winged every single test that came his way. Yoongi told himself that things would change when he got a bad mark, but he never did. Geumjae - his brother - had his life together. Yoongi did not.

His parents were disappointed in him. Money was tight in their household and they both hoped that their sons would grow up to get a well-paying job. It was the wish of every Asian parent that their children grow up to become lawyers, doctors, or engineers. They wanted Yoongi to pick one of those options. But with the quality of Yoongi's grades, there was no way he was going to get into medical school.

Yoongi got easily frustrated with himself. He wanted to do better. He really did care about doing well. His parents called him lazy and a failure. His mom talked worriedly about his grades to his other family members. They all agreed that Yoongi needed to get his shit together and focus, like Geumjae was doing.

But Yoongi wasn't Geumjae. He wasn't capable of doing what his brother was able to.

Over his middle school and early high school years, that anger piled up on him. Yoongi started dreaming of being a music producer, but wondered if he was capable of becoming one. His parents told him to stop being silly and start working harder.