Escaping The Loop

XXVI

Truth be told two scenarios went through my head.

Scenario 1: sobbing and crying in the middle of the duty free zone, regretting decisions, mourning the love of my life, hence ruining the entire mood of the rest of the trip.

Scenario 2: trading my ticket and going straight back to him, slapping the life out of Zen, then have a scorching-open-mouth-I know you wanted this-kiss preferably with his fiancé watching, therefore separating them and I have him all to myself.

What good will come out of both? Nothing.

I sent him away. I told him to move on without me. I am enjoying where this path is taking me, yes I lost him, but if something or someone is meant to be yours, you would never lose it (or them).

"Well good for him. He deserves that much. Tiana is decent and fitting to his world. All the best." I tried so hard to act as if bile didn't burn my esophagus when I said her name, or that this news hasn't shattered my heart. I tried. Prayed that this won't affect me.

Bewildered by my response, "Are you sure? No sobbing or ugly crying? I'm okay with that you know."

"No Cecilia there is no point. He is happy, he is with someone that set the date, that will go to every occasion and event with a stretched smile and a pocket full of subjects to engage socially in. She'll bare his children, name them after his parents-who approve of her I bet-she'll age with him. She'll be happy with him. And that's what I want. He deserves that much. Stability is his dream, who am I to deprive him of that?"

She gave me a tender concerned smile, "You are Jillian my dear. You won't deprive him of that you will share it. Don't desert this."

"There is no point Cecilia! Please don't let me hope for something we both know won't happen. Please!"

We remained silent. Cecilia unsure what to say next. I understand. She was trying to be supportive. This issue, I didn't need neither support nor encouragement. This was a closed matter. A drawer I'd rather not open again.

***

In-flight movies are important. You might read a book, a magazine, but the movie is quite substantial.

"You know what it's like

Getting up every morning feeling hopeless?

Feeling like the love of your life

Is waking up with the wrong man?

But at the same time,

Hoping that she still finds happiness

Even if it's never gonna be with you?"*

Kevin James (from the movie 'Hitch')spoke those words with so much truth-except reverse the sex- that it vibrated off the walls off the plane and resonated around me. Surrounding me like a force field. Only I heard it, only I understood it, and only I related. I turned my head, removed my headphones, and stared out the window. It was night, and nothing was visible. Limitless, infinite, and unseen. It did not matter what I hoped would happen, did not matter what I said to him or did, it just hurt-over and over again-like waves stretching themselves repeatedly against the shore; they retract retreating to the sea, then they force themselves again onto the flush surface.

I wanted to cry, hell I did a thousand times in my head, but what for? We both knew that day was bound to come, it just came sooner than I expected.

***

The Thailand lantern festival was held each year near the end of November. I always watched it, and hoped that one day I would be there to launch a lantern-with my hopes and wishes- into the open wide night Thailand sky, hovered and engulfed by thousands of other lanterns, staring as it rose into the heavens.